Have you taken time lately to thank your mom, your friends who are moms, and the many out there caring for children “no matter where they come from”?

A supersized black kid wearing shorts and a polo shirt, carrying a plastic grocery sack, wandered aimlessly in the frigid night air.  He had run from multiple foster homes, most recently from a black family that had gotten him into Briarcrest Christian School. (The football coach had taken one look at Big Mike and seen next season’s star offensive left tackle, not realizing the boy had never touched a football, and was in fact a “big marshmallow.”)

Alone and penniless, Big Mike spent the following weeks just trying to survive. Then one night, alone on a deserted road, an affluent white family, the Tuohys, found Michael and brought him home. “It’s just for one night, right?” Sean Tuohy (Tim McGraw) asked his wife, Leigh Anne (Sandra Bullock). Sitting beside me in the theater, my husband chuckled. “I know that look,” he whispered to me. He was right. Michael stayed.

Now, Michael was not good at many things.  He could barely read.  He didn’t know how to study.  He rarely talked.  And, much to the chagrin of the football coach, he didn’t know what to do with a football. But he was good at one thing:  he had strong, protective instincts.  With family, “I’ve got your back.”

And that one, single gift – his drive to protect – set his life’s course with an unforgettable story of second chances and redemption.

Life Behind the Christmas Card

When the Tuohys found Michael on that deserted road, my eyes filled with tears as I thought of the thousands of kids like Michael, who never get a ride home.  Thought of how much better this world would be if more families were like Michael’s adoptive family.

There were a million reasons for them not to get involved – what people might think, what Michael might do, the fact that he was a chronic runaway.  Despite their best efforts and intentions, they could never hope to relate to him and to assimilate him into their family as a black family would. Indeed, some accused the Tuohys of exploiting and controlling the young man for their own selfish purposes. And yet, they needed only one good reason to act: because Michael needed them.

Blind Side is a heartwarming story, without a doubt.  I hope that it will inspire hundreds of families to go out and adopt a teenager in need of a home.  And yet, they should also be aware that “life behind the Christmas card” is rarely so idyllic.  Most kids touched by the state system don’t fold their sheets neatly on the sofa in the morning.  They don’t seat themselves at the dining room table while the rest of the family eats Thanksgiving dinner on TV trays.  They do remember the past, and the family from which they were torn so violently and permanently.

And yet, if the past is painful, the future for these children is truly a nightmare in the making. For every Michael Oher, there are hundreds of others who never get that hand up, never have someone to care whether they make something of themselves.  Instead they languish in children’s homes, or worse.  They become one more name on a social worker’s caseload.  If they’re lucky.

And until more families – black, white, and every other color – step forward, willing to risk loving a scared and troubled teenager out of love for Christ, the best we can hope for is that these children never make the headlines for a far more ignoble reason.

Every child deserves a family.  Every child deserves a safe and loving home.  Every child deserves to grow up with the unshakable conviction that from the moment of conception God had bigger dreams for him than the human mind can conceive.  Who will carry that message . . . to just one child?

Copyright 2009 Heidi Hess Saxton

I’m so happy to share the following article from our wonderful sponsor, CatholicMatch.com, the leading Catholic singles community.  Author Mary Beth Bonacci offers her remarkable, and yet temporary, experience as a foster mom.  Having had close friends in my life who have experienced the foster and adoption processes, I pray for Mary Beth, the mom and daughter in this her story, and all of those seeking to build happy homes and familes.  I hope you’ll enjoy reading Mary Beth’s insights and that you will visit or refer single friends to CatholicMatch.com for more great resources for Catholic singles.

So I’ve had kind of a lot going on in my life lately, and I’ve been debating how much of it I wanted to share publicly. In this internet age, information goes “viral” very quickly, and it’s always a little disconcerting to find complete strangers discussing and dissecting my personal life on-line. But some experiences and insights are important enough that they need to be shared, and this seems like one of them.

This summer, I became a mother. Briefly.

And no, it’s not what you think. I didn’t get pregnant, I didn’t have a baby. (Although I sort of enjoy the thought of the collective gasp that went up when that sentence entered cyber-space.) The real story isn’t so scandalous, but it’s far more interesting.

It started a little over a year ago. I began to feel a very strong calling to become certified as a foster-to-adopt parent through my county. This seemed strange to me, because I’m a very firm believer in the importance of fathers, and I didn’t understand why God would be calling me, as a single woman, to adopt a child. I brought the situation to my spiritual director, who shared my concerns but agreed that God seemed to be calling me to move ahead with the next step, becoming certified. He did suggest that, if presented with the opportunity to adopt a child, I should pray for a very clear sign. Later, in prayer, I remember asking God what kind of sign that might be. The first thing that occurred to me was that the child might have a significant birthday – the same as my own, or one of my parents’, or something like that.

So I went through the program, I learned a lot, I had a home study and a background check and six months later I was fully certified as a foster-to-adopt parent. All the time I was certain that God had a plan for all of this, but I had no idea what it was. I received several phone calls asking me to take various children, but in prayer it just never “felt” right.

And then, this past July, it all came together.

I need to be a little bit vague here, because I need to protect the privacy of the other parties involved in this story. But, essentially, a situation came to my attention involving a little three year old girl whom I had never met personally, but had a close connection to my family. Her mother was unable to care for her, and was willing to relinquish her to someone in my family for adoption. The child had already been bounced between several temporary living arrangements in the previous six months. She needed stability, she needed it immediately, and it became clear that if I didn’t step up, she would very likely wind up going into “the system.” I know the system, and know that older kids often wind up being bounced between foster homes. This child had already been bounced around far too much.

I already had an approved home study. I was ready to go. I live in the midst of a close-knit family and Catholic community where she would have lots of love and lots of kids to play with and to grow up with. What’s more, my flexible career would allow me to work from home, so she wouldn’t have to be placed in day care.

And, in the course of learning about the child, I made a very interesting discovery. Her birthday is April 12th.

That’s my mom’s birthday.

It all came together – the mysterious call to take the foster-adopt class, the certification, the sense of preparing when I didn’t know what I was preparing for. It all seemed to lead to this.

And so, after some prayerful consideration, I agreed to take her in and to start the adoption process. Trust me, the father issue loomed large in my mind. Her own father had no role in her life. And, given the details of the situation, there were no options available that were likely to provide her with a real, live-in Daddy. So I talked to the men in my life – my father, my brother, my brother-in-law and a good friend’s husband. They all agreed to play a significant role in her life, and to act as father-figures for her.

Her mother signed guardianship over to me, and she arrived in Denver to live with me on July 24th. She immediately started calling me “Mommy”, and adjusted surprisingly well. I was struck by what a sweet, smart, engaging, funny child she was. She was a joy to have around.

And so I dove into motherhood. I stocked my fridge with healthy kid food, and tried to coerce her into eating it. We started potty training, complete with a special potty dance and treats from Target to reward her successes. We said bedtime prayers and had play dates and went to birthday parties. She bonded with her new uncles and aunts and cousins and grandparents. She went wherever I went, and aside from a few hours with her grandparents or aunts here and there, we were always together. She was a happy kid, a joy to have around, and everyone who met her fell in love with her.

And I loved it. It was hard, but I really, really loved it.

As the time to sign the adoption papers came closer, her natural mother became less communicative. She wasn’t returning my calls, wasn’t returning my attorney’s calls. Until one Tuesday morning when she called me and said “I can’t do it. I miss her too much.” She had patched together some child-care arrangements, and was revoking my guardianship.

And five days later she was gone, four weeks to the day after she arrived.

That was a little over a month ago, and it’s been a tough adjustment to see her go back to her “old” life, and to let go of the hopes I had for the life I could have given her. And it’s been hard to go back to my “old” life, as well. It’s a good life, of course. A great one, in fact. I’m very fortunate. But I do miss being a Mom.

The question people keep asking me is “Where is God? What about all of those signs?” Well, what about those signs? Was I reading them wrong? Was God not calling me to take her in? We, as limited humans with limited human brains, tend to assume that if God gives us a sign to move ahead with something, that somehow He is guaranteeing that it’s going to be successful. And that’s just not the case. He sees a much bigger picture than we do. He has reasons that go far beyond anything we could possibly understand. He just calls us to take the next step, in faith.

Was it God’s will that this child go back to the circumstances of her old life? I don’t know. That was her mother’s decision, and whether it reflected the will of God or not is between her and God. I just know that I acted prayerfully, I made the best decision I could, and I believe that God is somehow going to bring good out of it.

That’s the lesson I felt was too important not to share, and why I decided to go public with this story. God’s ways are not our ways, and He doesn’t usually show us the full picture. He calls us where He calls us for His own reasons, and our job is to be faithful and to trust Him with the outcome.

He’s doing it in my life, and He’ll do it in yours.

Mary Beth Bonacci is an internationally known speaker. Her major addresses include 10,000 teenagers in Monterrey, Mexico , 75,000 people at World Youth Day in Denver, Colorado , 22,000 people at the TWA Dome during the Pope’s visit to St. Louis , and a national seminar for single adults in Uganda, Africa. She does frequent radio and TV work, and has even made several appearances on MTV . She is the author of We’re on a Mission from God and Real Love, which has been translated into six languages.  Mary Beth holds a bachelor’s degree in Organizational Communication from the University of San Francisco , a master’s degree in Theology of Marriage and Family from the John Paul II Institute , and an honorary Ph.D. in Communications from the Franciscan University of Steubenville . Contact Mary Beth at marybeth@catholicmatch.com . Her web site is www.reallove.net .

So … what does a foster family look like? Most aren’t rich in the financial sense. Some excellent foster parents open their hearts to a child long before they find a spouse. (Here in Ann Arbor, the sisters of Servants of God’s Love have fostered children for years.) You don’t have to own your own home, or even be at home full-time. (On the other hand, troubled children greatly benefit from the love and attention a SAHM can provide.)

So … what does the “gift of fostering” look like?  You might be a great foster parent if …

• You genuinely like being around other people’s children, and they like being around you.
• You instinctively look for ways to help other people – adults and children alike.
• You notice when your child’s classmate doesn’t have a warm jacket … and find one for him.
• You’re good at bringing order out of chaos, but don’t mind a little “happy mess.”
• You have a WYSIWYG philosophy of life: honest, straightforward, and generally kind.
• You‘re a natural (and patient) teacher, capable of giving a lesson again and again.
• You have a “second sense” about children, and can figure out what they need when they can’t tell you themselves.
• You like cuddling, hugs, and dandelion bouquets.
• You make friends for life, even when you don’t see them every day.
• You are a resourceful person, and aren’t too proud to ask for help when you need it.
• You would like to add to your family, but aren’t sure you want another pregnancy.
• Most important: You believe in the power of love to change lives.

Some people hesitate to get involved because they aren’t sure they can bear the thought of getting attached, then having a child leave again. In reality, nearly 60% of foster children never go home, and there are more than 25,000 children who need permanent homes. Most of these children are over four years of age (the median age is eight) – younger children are often a part of a sibling group, have special needs, or are biracial.

However, many foster parents find that the children who enter their lives even for a brief time touch them so deeply, they are better off for having known them for even a short time. For a touching account of one such family’s experience, pick up a copy of “Paper Sack Kids.”

Do you live in the Ann Arbor, Michigan area? Join Heidi Saxton at St. Andrew Parish in Saline on April 28 at 9:45 a.m. for an “adoption fair.” After Heidi’s talk, representatives from local foster and adoption agencies will be on hand to answer any questions you may have about adoption and foster care. For more information, contact Heidi at hsaxton@christianword.com.

This, I tell you, is one of my very favorite parts of parenting. “Looks like SOMEBODY needs his Love Banks checked,” I say.

“Yep,” he grumps, a tiny flicker of a smile twitching at the corner of his mouth.  So we settle ourselves comfortably (he’s getting a little too big for my lap, but we manage somehow) and I solemnly feel the bottom of his foot, right along the instep. “Hmmm… the Hug Bank feels a little low … What do you think?” I murmur.

“Yep,” he glumps again. We wrap our arms around each other …. “MMMM!”

“Check it again, Mom. Does it feel full now?”

Gently I probe again. “Well… maybe another little one. What do you think?”

“Yep.”

“MMMMMMMMMMM!”

“Okay, now the Kiss Bank,” he reminds me. We specialize in kisses at the Saxton House. Butterflies and Piggies, Eskimos and Fairy Dust (blow on the hairline before planting it gently on the widow’s peak). If someone is REALLY ornery, we bestow the dreaded “Puppy Kiss.” Maddy is only too happy to oblige.

“Now the Tickle Bank.”  This time I probe the ball of his foot, right beneath the toes. He squirms and giggles.

“Nope. Empty!  RAUGHHHHHHH!”  Fingers fly – gently and with restraint – up the back and behind the knees, finishing with a thorough foot treatment.  It lasts a couple of seconds, but the smile from a good tickle can last all day.

“Don’t forget, Mom … the Rub Bank.”  My son keeps his hair short because he likes it when I rustle it up. When he was really little I would sit by the side of his bed and rub his head gently to put him to sleep, and even now – a Big Boy of Nine – he needs that soothing.

Affection and the Adopted (or Foster) Child

I’ve heard it said more than once that adoption is a life-long experience, not a one-time occurrence.  The feelings of loss and grief continue, sometimes more actively than others, and it is up to the parent to figure out how to meet the needs of that child.

Children with attachment or bonding issues may not respond positively to such prolonged or intense cuddling … We had to start slowly and build up gradually. On the other hand, the human body craves positive touch and affection, and so as parents we need to find ways to meet the very real needs of our kids in ways that feel safe and nurturing to them.

A shoulder squeeze as you pass by … a gentle back rub at story time … feeding someone their favorite snack, one piece at a time … even the rough-and-tumble physicality of “Daddy Monster” or touch football. Children who have been abused physically or sexually may have boundary issues requiring extra sensitivity and restraint. But finding ways to say, “I love you” or even “I’m glad you’re a part of our family!” are a critical part of helping your child build a healthy sense of self … and demonstrate more powerfully than words ever could the reality of the Heavenly Father who loves them most of all.

Are You Getting Your “Daily Seven”?

Just as our children have emotional needs that can only be met by physical touch, so do we. “Significant touching” – the squeeze of a hand, a pat on the back, a hug – is something we all need every day. (Some say the ideal number is seven touches a day, others put the count much higher.)

If you find yourself getting aggravated by your kids, then, the best solution might not be to hole yourself up in the bedroom to punch a pillow. Instead, you might consider getting down on the floor with your brood for a family cuddle, or maybe even a (gentle) pillow fight!

As parents, we sometimes get so caught up in the dailyness of family life – the appointments, the chores, the schedules, the lists – that we forget to enjoy one another. During the season of Lent, as we are looking for ways to simplify, let’s remember to lavish our time on the only thing that will last forever … the bond we have with our families.

Now … go and fill those Love Banks! You’ll be glad you did.

Copyright 2009 Heidi Hess Saxton

Deacon Tom’s reflection highlights the book The Return of the Prodigal Son: A Story of Homecoming by by Henri J. M. Nouwen.

Our guest Heidi Hess Saxton will be appearing on Al Kresta’s Kresta in the Afternoon on Thursday, December 4th at 3:00 pm EST, so be sure to tune in for more information on her work, adoption and foster parenting.

Be sure to enter this week’s contest to win two great Christmas CDs – click here for entry details.  Share your feedback at 206-339-9272, comment here on the blog or email lisa@catholicmom.com.

Links for this episode:

• Extraordinary Moms Network
• Books by Heidi Hess Saxton:Behold Your Mother, Raising Up Mommy
• Sue Peters Music
  • Contact Sue by email at suepeters13@comcast.net to order Beautiful Brokenness for the special price of $10 per CD
• The Catholic Foodie
• The Catholic Company
• Lisa’s Facebook Profile, Plurk, Twitter
• Catholic Mom Logo Store

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