We brought Shauntell home from hospital as a foster child. One day I brought her to the Social Services department for a visit with her birth mom.  I was also on the way to see a physician about the baby’s medical condition.  Immediately Lynn sensed that Shauntell was irritable and needed her foster mom and insisted I carry on to our doctor’s appointment giving up what precious little time she had to bond and enjoy this new baby.

When Lynn’s social worker thought it was time for her birth mom to “try “ a night visit with Shauntell, Lynn called us to pick up the baby when she found it difficult to cope.  She demonstrated great humility and courage in putting this child’s needs above what must have been her own need to mother and feel capable.

Lynn’s legacy is the child she shared life with and although Lynn is deceased; she will always be remembered in our family as a woman who left light in the world despite her own life of suffering and darkness.  And from her gift springs hope.

The child she bore will become a well –grounded woman of virtue, a leader in her family and community.  She will always uphold the dignity of life in all its stages because of her birth mother’s legacy of love.



Copyright 2010 Cathy Craig

Two and a half months later I had much more to be grateful for than just having gotten out of cooking and cleaning for my guests.  As Peter laid in a pediatric ICU crib, I  was profoundly grateful that he had already been baptized.  Not that we could not have performed the simple ritual ourselves, or had one of the priests who visited us do the honors, as we had plenty of warning that things were serious in the days before his death.  We were glad that if his life had to be very short, that he had lived almost all of it as a child of God, full of sanctifying grace.

Baptism matters.  It is tempting in our society to see it only as a simple rite of passage, like sending birth announcements or getting 3 month photos taken.  But it is much more! Baptism, like all sacraments, would blow our minds if we could see past the visible symbols to the spiritual realities.  The fact is that Baptism makes us God’s children.  Which means that before we are baptized, we aren’t God’s children? Um, yeah.

Consider this analogy.  We are in the process of adopting my youngest daughter.  It’s made me think a lot about our relationship to God, since we are all his adopted sons and daughters, adopted at baptism.  Think of my little girl, born in some maternity care unit to some woman whom I have never met.  Do I have any claim to her at that point? No.  Am I responsible to pay her medical bills, or to wake up at 3am to feed her or to raid the clearance rack at Carter’s for the latest adorable pink sleeper for her?  No. At that point she is not my kid.  In justice, I owe her none of those things.   Now, that isn’t to say that I don’t occasionally hold and feed someone else’s baby (though at 3am? Not so much.), or that I do not donate money to support women in crisis pregnancies.  Heck, I all but look for opportunities to purchase cute girl clothes for other people’s babies!  But this is a free gift, not a responsibility.

Once my daughter was placed in my care, however, what would have previously been gratuitous generosity instantly became a duty.  Now I owe this stranger’s baby those late night feedings, burping and diaper changes.  I owe her this because she is no longer a stranger’s baby.  She is now my daughter.

This is the heart of baptism.  Due to the unfortunate entry of sin into the world, we are now born strangers to God.  He does not owe us anything.  Now, of course he showers us with all kinds of blessings anyway, like an earth that supports our needs and the very fact that we still exist.  He even provides actual graces to the unbaptized that can lead to conversion.  But once we are baptized, this philanthropist God does the unimaginable—he binds himself to us as our Father.  He takes us into his very family and cares for us tenderly as his own children.  The graces are now permanent parts of our souls (provided we don’t drive them out through mortal sin), and extra helpings are promised through the sacraments.  We now have claim on this Father to take care of us.

One last thought.  On hearing of our new baby, many people have commented that she is so lucky to have us as parents.  This is a very well-intentioned sentiment, designed to complement our parenting.  But a quick and sincere rebuttal always rises swiftly in my heart: No, we are the lucky ones! There is not a day that goes by when I do not return my baby’s adorable smiles when I do not feel like I won the lottery.  Granted, given the ratio of waiting couples to babies placed in domestic adoption, we really did win a sort of lottery.  But I have talked to couples who have adopted kids who had nowhere else to go, and they feel the same.  Indeed, any decent parent is stretched to their limits of generosity every day, and yet they would not trade their kids for anything.

I think this is insight into the heart of God the Father.  He has sacrificed everything for us, down to the life of his only Son.   He has patiently offered us everything, even when we coldly reject him.  And yet, he does not hold those things over our heads.  He just loves being our Dad.  As we are raised out of the waters of baptism, he smiles on us as we do over our own kids—he delights in our every coo and smile.  If he didn’t have a perfect timeless memory, he’d take a ton of pictures.  He is crazy in love with us.  We are his kids.

This is the context in which we should frame all the responsibilities that come with Baptism.   We don’t go to Mass or keep the commandments because God will smite us if we don’t.  We should do what he has asked us because we desire to return the love he has offered us.

So, even though our newest daughter is our least likely yet to die in infancy, she was baptized the soonest of our four.  We want her to know that although her new parents love her dearly, she has an adoptive Father in heaven who treasures her more than the human heart can fathom.

Copyright 2010 Libby DuPont

Q:  Kristy, please briefly tell us a bit about yourself and your family life with your husband.

Hi Lisa!  I am a coffee-addicted transplanted California Catholic now living in Lexington, Kentucky. I teach 4th grade at a classical curriculum school. When spare time comes my way, I enjoy Irish Dancing, blogging, cooking, and listening to my ipod.

I’m a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville.  4 years after meeting my husband Mark, on St. Raphael.net (now Catholic Match.com), we married and now live in Kentucky.  I grew up in California, so our marriage is sort of the meshing of 2 different cultures.  Ha ha ha.  I proudly drive around Lexington with an InNOut Burger sticker on my car.

Currently I teach 4th grade and children’s Latin at a classical curriculum school.

Q:  What prompted you to begin your infertility ministry?  How has the ministry blossomed since its inception?

One day a woman called Johnette Benkovic’s radio program lamenting the lack of infertility resources.  I had just started to ask for advice from a couple of friends who had gone through it and felt compelled to call.  I left my phone number with the show so the caller could get in touch with me.  Two weeks later I was floored to get a call from Johnette Benkovich’s daugher, inviting me to fly to EWTN studios in Alabama to appear on a show about infertility.  Appearing on the show was a wonderful experience; Johnette is a friendly interviewer.  I also met a doctor who gave me some advice of Catholic-friendly treatments to pursue. The time spent at EWTN really kickstarted some ideas that had been floating around in my head.

I should mention that God had sent me wonderful friends who had gone through infertility and “lived to tell.”  First of all, it took my parents 4 years to conceive me, so they always had a very good understanding.  I also sought advice from a friend who had adopted 4 children.  She would always assure me that my tears at a baptism, frustrations with the rest of the world getting pregnant except me, etc. were normal.  Many good-intentioned people will often tell women like me to “Just relax” or “get over yourself!”

Such understanding is critical, because most people do not understand the pain of infertility unless they or a close friend have gone through it.  I’m sure that people who have endured things like cancer, the death of a child, etc. would say the same thing.  It’s not a matter of “misery loved company;” rather, the best comfort comes from those who have “been there, done that.”

So as I began to pray and think about things, I thought about women out there who didn’t have such understanding friends.  After meeting with my diocese’s Family Life Office director, the group started last January.  He’s been supportive of us the entire way and advertises our group meetings in the diocesan bulletins.

SHE stands for Sarah, Hannah, and Elizabeth; 3 women in the Bible who all endured infertility.  http://shesupportgroup.blogspot.com/

Q:  Infertility is such an intensely emotional and private struggle.  How did you find the courage to speak openly about your own journey and to encourage other couples?

I should mention that infertility often puts couples in a bind.  When well-meaning people asked questions like, “So, when are you going to have kids?” or, “So, you’re NOT going to have kids?” the infertile couple is faced with a dilemma: talk about a very private struggle or not say anything and look like they don’t want kids.  Some Catholics may even assume that the couple is using contraception.

My husband and I went through this from both the secular and Catholic side.  Secular minded people would ask us stupid questions like, “Why do you want kids anyway?  Don’t you know they grow up to be teenagers?”  or “You’ve got plenty of time; why stress about it.”  Some of our well-meaning Catholic acquaintances have asked, “So, when is it your turn to have kids” (asked by a mom of 5 out of the blue) or “When are you going to have kids?”

I didn’t want to look like that we didn’t want kids.  So, I just started talking about infertility more.  Usually the well-meaning people became embarrassed and promised to pray for us.  But I think something else started to happen: people became aware.  Statistics say that one in every six couples suffers through infertility.  Why is it not discussed?  Why are there few ministries to help couples in this struggle?

Now when I’m asked about kids, I get to say, “We’re currently adopting from South Korea.  Please pray for us!”

Q:  How has the Church and your faith life supported you in this journey?

As a Catholic, what makes infertility even more unique is following the Church’s teachings on fertility technology. Methods such as IVF violate the inherent nature of the marital act: Unitive and Procreative.  Unfortunately, the number of Catholics who choose to follow this teaching is VERY small.  To boot, OB/GYNs think this thinking is crazy.  I’ve been told so.

While the Church’s wisdom in these teachings is understandable, it can also become very isolating.  That’s why I felt compelled to start a CATHOLIC support group.  One of our group members attended a national infertility group’s meeting.  Because she had chosen not to pursue IVF, the group saw her as “not exercising her options.”  The SHE group offers support to women who come, whether they are choosing adoption, pursuing ethical treatments, etc.  The group doesn’t just offer support; it offers information.

Personally, the Eucharist (especially adoration) and Confession have really helped me in this journey.  I want something good: a child.  It is very hard to see everyone else getting this gift while my hands are empty.  I very easily fall into jealousy, envy, self-pity, etc.  The Sacraments help me keep these things in check, particularly confession.  My parish’s pastor once told me that he understood my pain.  Although he is happy in his priestly vocation, he has always wanted children of his own.  And it’s so wonderful to go to the local adoration chapel and just sit there and cry.

Also, the women of the Bible offer a lot of hope.  Infertility is not a new struggle.  Also, we have lots of friends and family praying for us: little children, a couple of orders of sisters, various priests, etc.  While their prayers have not yet been answered in our life, I often say that their prayers keep me sane.  Somehow, God gives me the extra grace to get through another doctor’s appointment.

Q:  What are some of the biggest struggles and challenges you have had to overcome, both in your own personal situation and in this ministry?

For me personally, I keep asking, “Why?”  We want children.  We want more than 2.  I smiled when answering the “Will you accept children” question on my wedding day.  Why is this happening?  What did I do to deserve this?  (the answer is nothing, but sometimes emotions take over).  Why do so many women who don’t want kids end up getting pregnant?  Why did God let that big family have baby #8?  Logically, it doesn’t make sense.  Faith-wise, this is a mystery that I will HOPEFULLY understand someday.

Another struggle is the doctor’s office.  First of all, we are accustomed to going to the doctor’s office and getting health problems fixed or resolved. Not so with infertility.  I’ve had ultrasounds, too many blood tests to count, various exams, been put on medication.  Even now my husband has to give me 4 HCG shots a month.  It’s tough to go to the doctor visit after visit with no progress made.

Then comes the problem of the lack of respect for our morals.  When the OB/GYN wanted to test my husband, I explained the only moral way we could do it (perforated condom).  The doc looked at us incredulously and said, “I see Catholics in my practice all the time, and you two are the first people to have a problem with this test.”  He also has voiced his displeasure that we have chosen not to seek IUI (the USCCB bishops have not ruled on this method, but my husband and I feel uncomfortable about it) and IVF.  From comparing notes with other Infertility women, this reception is common.

So add all of this to the longing for a child, walking through baby clothes aisles knowing you can’t buy them, watching other families with their children, answering probing questions…it all becomes one bittersweet symphony.

As far as SHE goes, I was blessed to start it at a parish that already had Elizabeth Ministry in place.  Some of the Elizabeth Ministers have attended our meeting to learn more about infertility and have brought food, etc.  The only challenge with our group is that it is very small, like around 5 people.  I know there are more women out there.  We advertise in all the bulletins of our diocese.

The group has given women a chance to air our feelings securely.  All we have to say is, “3 of my friends announced their pregnancies this week!” and our heads will nod in sympathy.  You won’t here insensitive remarks like, “Get over yourself.”  The mutual understanding has been incredibly helpful.   Some of us are pursuing medical means of getting pregnant; others are pursuing adoption.  The meetings become a place of support and prayer, but also and information exchange.  The speakers bring encouragement and hope– two things that are in short supply during the infertility journey.

I particularly find consolation from the other women.  One of them became my “blood test buddy.”  We had to get 8 blood tests in 2 weeks.  We went together and she even held my hand when the phelbotomist kept sticking me unsuccessfully.  When she underwent a laparoscopy, the other SHE members met for Mass a couple days before the surgery and stayed afterwards as she received Anointing of the Sick.  http://percolatingpetals.blogspot.com/2009/08/power-of-prayer.html

We’re here for each other on the journey, and I know we will rejoice with one another as we become mothers, Godwilling.

This past September we had the awesome privilege of praying with the relics of St. Gianna individually. The experienced touched us all very deeply; I blogged about it here: http://percolatingpetals.blogspot.com/2009/09/praying-with-st-gianna.html

By the way, our chaplain, Fr. Steve Roberts, is a former OB/GYN who became a priest.  If you’re ever looking for a great interview, he’s a lot of fun.  Also, he has been studying bioethics in Rome.

Q:  What words of encouragement and wisdom can you offer to other couples facing the pain of infertility?

I have some practical suggestions.  FIND SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS.  This is especially important for the woman, whose body is made for children.  If there is no support group in the area, talk to your parish priest or family life office.  Even meeting one person who can listen to your frustrations and understand makes all the difference.  This journey is very difficult; do not think you can do it on your own.

Along those lines, there are a great deal of Catholic women going through infertility who write blogs.  For me, these blogs have been a tremendous source of support and information.  Just to know that other women out there are going through the same thing really helps.  It also creates quite the network of prayer!! Some of the most popular blogs are: All You Who Hope and Sew Infertile.

Also, be sure that God is at the center of your marriage.  Seek the help of the sacraments to keep you and your husband sustained.  Infertility is a cause of difficulty in marriages, so it’s important to fortify yourself with the supernatural grace.

Husbands should especially try to listen to their wives’ frustrations; women tend to suffer the brunt of infertility.  My husband has helped me in a huge way during this journey; he always listens and holds my hand when I cry in frustration at a baptism.  Even though it may be the 5th time I’ve complained about a medical procedure or someone’s pregnancy announcement, he always listens and comforts.

For women, I really recommend taking stock of your situation.  Do baby showers cause you pain?  Don’t go.  Are there so many families at your Mass that you can’t concentrate on the readings?  Find another time.  I can’t attend baby showers anymore.  Nowadays, I buy a baby gift and take the mother out to lunch.  The past few friends I’ve done this for are quite understanding of my situation. As my friend who adopted told me, “You have to go into survival mode.  Don’t place yourself in situations that will cause you more pain.”

Q:  I know that you are now involved in the adoption process – how has that been for you and what have you learned along the way?

We have always been open to adoption.  For me personally the process offers more hope than the doctor appointments.  At the end of the adoption process, you really do end up with a child!  Financially, this will be a difficult road, but it’s worth it.  We want to be parents, no matter how God decides to make that happen.

Currently we are in the process of adopting from South Korea.  We have learned a lot about the Korean Martyrs of the 19th century that helped solidify Korea’s Catholic heritage. In addition, South Korea has a BMI (Body Mass Index) requirement.  My husband and I are currently dieting to reach this BMI.  I guess it’s one of those early parenting sacrifices.

Once we complete our homestudy, we will have the referral for our child in about 10 months.
I think the process has really helped us to love from a far.  Even though I won’t endure the same physical complications from pregnancy, the paperwork and financial sacrifice will not be easy.  Still, we find it so worthwhile.

A good friend of mine told me that after she adopted, she began to see the love of God the Father.  He adopted us all through His Son, Jesus.  He loves us because we are his.  She felt the same for her adopted children.

Our friends who have children of their own have learned more about the adoption process and infertility thanks to our struggle.  Maybe these friends will be able to help other friends in the future…you never know!

Q:  Are there any additional thoughts or comments you’d like to share with our readers?

If you’re going through a unique suffering, consider reaching out to find and help others like you.  Maybe you’ll end up starting a support group or blog to help others, teaching religious ed at your parish, etc.  DOING something to get out of yourself and the ever-easy temptation of self-pity will help you in the long run.  Not only did starting the SHE group help me tremendously, it helped others.  I’ve finally gained some loving girl friends as well!  A priest also recommended finding a goal-oriented hobby to help channel the infertility frustrations.

Most importantly, NEVER tell a woman going through infertility, “Just relax and it will happen” or, “Just have fun trying.”  You have no idea of the stress and pain she is enduring already!  Stress is not always the cause of infertility.

Instead, tell her, “I’m sure that is a heavy cross.  I will pray for you!”

Copyright 2010 Lisa Hendey

As the Judice family anticipated little Eli’s arrival, Dad Chad – a basketball coach for a local Catholic high school – began writing of how that unborn baby rnewed the faith and invigorated the devotion not only of their own family, but of the entire school community. In the words of Mr. Judice: “God [uses] . . . the weakest, the most powerless, and fragile among us to bring a community to Himself.”

As we look ahead to Father’s Day, we honor such men among us, men who act courageously to protect and provide. Sometimes – as in the case of Chad Judice – those men share a biological link with their children. Other times, fatherhood is of a spiritual, rather than biological, origin. In either case, the connection is breathtakingly “real.”

Children in families formed through adoption, foster care, or remarriage experience this special kind of love. Love in action, lived out according to the credo of my own parents when they learned we were going to foster-adopt a sibling group, “You bring ‘em to us, we’ll love ‘em.”  And so they have. And so they do.

This kind of self-donating love is a rare and beautiful gift – perhaps especially in men, who express it distinctively, in strength and security. We see it in the men who “mentor” fatherless children in their churches and communities, playing ball and helping with homework and leading Scout troops. In men who fix the sinks and mow the lawns and install cribs for families whose husbands have been deployed. In men who become teachers, daily offering their students a living example of manhood that boys with fathers are absent or neglectful desperately need.

And men like Chad Judice, sentries of courage and witnesses to truth, no matter what the cost. Thank God for such extraordinary fathers.

Heidi Hess Saxton is the founder of the “Extraordinary Moms Network” and author of “My Big Book of Catholic Bible Stories.” “Waiting for Eli: A Father’s Journey from Fear to Faith” may be ordered from Acadian House Publishing at www.waitingforeli.com, or ask your local bookstore to order it.

Copyright 2010 Heidi Hess Saxton

Like most adoptive mothers who hear this question, my heart broke a little. I couldn’t help but agree with my daughter. Lord, why DID you not see fit to send my children to me directly? Why did they have to bear so much neglect and suffering before we found each other?

There are no easy answers for this, certainly not within the boundaries of my own personalized sense of justice.  So I improvised. “Sweetheart, when God sends each baby into the world, He sends three things along: a special gift to share, a special burden to carry, and a special job to do before she goes back to God.  It’s all a part of a story that belongs to no one else in the world.”

Surely the scars that were inflicted on my children in those early months have no redeeming value, in and of themselves, no lasting sense of good. Yet those months, too, are a part of my children’s story.  Part of the job they have to do, the burden they need to carry, the gift they will share.

I was reminded of this conversation again the other day when I came across this story of Lin Yu Chun, the portly Taiwanese crooner who at 23 took the world (via YouTube) by storm.

Like last year’s British sensation, Susan Boyle, Lin’s appearance belies the gift inside.  His bowl-on-the-head haircut, rotund physique, and slightly pigeon-toed stance don’t exactly shriek “Super Star.” And yet Lin reminds us that sometimes God puts miracles in the unlikeliest of places.

For Lin, that gift must have seemed burdensome at times.  Imagine 15 or 16-year-old Lin getting picked on in the schoolyard because his pure, clear soprano had not yet “hit the basement” like his peers. “Hollywood Gossip” reports:

“Lin … suffered from a lack of self-esteem growing up because ‘being fat draws a lot of mockery in our society.’ However, those difficult times helped the aspiring singer hone his talent. To cope with the taunts from peers, Chun locked himself in his room and sang along to hits by Celine Dion and Mariah Carey.”

The gift, the burden, and the task: these three combine to accomplish a perfection God first designed in us, a quality uniquely our own.  No cookie-cutter saints and sinners, we are called to be a distinct expression of the creative, providential, life-giving love of God at every stage of our lives.

“Why wasn’t I born in your tummy, Mommy?”  Why did Susan Boyle spend the first forty years in an obscure church choir, tending to her elderly mother alone? Why did Lin Yu Chun spend his teenage years fending off the taunts of his schoolmates?  It’s all part of a story still to unfold.

What’s your story?

Copyright 2010 Heidi Hess Saxton

Have you taken time lately to thank your mom, your friends who are moms, and the many out there caring for children “no matter where they come from”?

A supersized black kid wearing shorts and a polo shirt, carrying a plastic grocery sack, wandered aimlessly in the frigid night air.  He had run from multiple foster homes, most recently from a black family that had gotten him into Briarcrest Christian School. (The football coach had taken one look at Big Mike and seen next season’s star offensive left tackle, not realizing the boy had never touched a football, and was in fact a “big marshmallow.”)

Alone and penniless, Big Mike spent the following weeks just trying to survive. Then one night, alone on a deserted road, an affluent white family, the Tuohys, found Michael and brought him home. “It’s just for one night, right?” Sean Tuohy (Tim McGraw) asked his wife, Leigh Anne (Sandra Bullock). Sitting beside me in the theater, my husband chuckled. “I know that look,” he whispered to me. He was right. Michael stayed.

Now, Michael was not good at many things.  He could barely read.  He didn’t know how to study.  He rarely talked.  And, much to the chagrin of the football coach, he didn’t know what to do with a football. But he was good at one thing:  he had strong, protective instincts.  With family, “I’ve got your back.”

And that one, single gift – his drive to protect – set his life’s course with an unforgettable story of second chances and redemption.

Life Behind the Christmas Card

When the Tuohys found Michael on that deserted road, my eyes filled with tears as I thought of the thousands of kids like Michael, who never get a ride home.  Thought of how much better this world would be if more families were like Michael’s adoptive family.

There were a million reasons for them not to get involved – what people might think, what Michael might do, the fact that he was a chronic runaway.  Despite their best efforts and intentions, they could never hope to relate to him and to assimilate him into their family as a black family would. Indeed, some accused the Tuohys of exploiting and controlling the young man for their own selfish purposes. And yet, they needed only one good reason to act: because Michael needed them.

Blind Side is a heartwarming story, without a doubt.  I hope that it will inspire hundreds of families to go out and adopt a teenager in need of a home.  And yet, they should also be aware that “life behind the Christmas card” is rarely so idyllic.  Most kids touched by the state system don’t fold their sheets neatly on the sofa in the morning.  They don’t seat themselves at the dining room table while the rest of the family eats Thanksgiving dinner on TV trays.  They do remember the past, and the family from which they were torn so violently and permanently.

And yet, if the past is painful, the future for these children is truly a nightmare in the making. For every Michael Oher, there are hundreds of others who never get that hand up, never have someone to care whether they make something of themselves.  Instead they languish in children’s homes, or worse.  They become one more name on a social worker’s caseload.  If they’re lucky.

And until more families – black, white, and every other color – step forward, willing to risk loving a scared and troubled teenager out of love for Christ, the best we can hope for is that these children never make the headlines for a far more ignoble reason.

Every child deserves a family.  Every child deserves a safe and loving home.  Every child deserves to grow up with the unshakable conviction that from the moment of conception God had bigger dreams for him than the human mind can conceive.  Who will carry that message . . . to just one child?

Copyright 2009 Heidi Hess Saxton

I’m so happy to share the following article from our wonderful sponsor, CatholicMatch.com, the leading Catholic singles community.  Author Mary Beth Bonacci offers her remarkable, and yet temporary, experience as a foster mom.  Having had close friends in my life who have experienced the foster and adoption processes, I pray for Mary Beth, the mom and daughter in this her story, and all of those seeking to build happy homes and familes.  I hope you’ll enjoy reading Mary Beth’s insights and that you will visit or refer single friends to CatholicMatch.com for more great resources for Catholic singles.

So I’ve had kind of a lot going on in my life lately, and I’ve been debating how much of it I wanted to share publicly. In this internet age, information goes “viral” very quickly, and it’s always a little disconcerting to find complete strangers discussing and dissecting my personal life on-line. But some experiences and insights are important enough that they need to be shared, and this seems like one of them.

This summer, I became a mother. Briefly.

And no, it’s not what you think. I didn’t get pregnant, I didn’t have a baby. (Although I sort of enjoy the thought of the collective gasp that went up when that sentence entered cyber-space.) The real story isn’t so scandalous, but it’s far more interesting.

It started a little over a year ago. I began to feel a very strong calling to become certified as a foster-to-adopt parent through my county. This seemed strange to me, because I’m a very firm believer in the importance of fathers, and I didn’t understand why God would be calling me, as a single woman, to adopt a child. I brought the situation to my spiritual director, who shared my concerns but agreed that God seemed to be calling me to move ahead with the next step, becoming certified. He did suggest that, if presented with the opportunity to adopt a child, I should pray for a very clear sign. Later, in prayer, I remember asking God what kind of sign that might be. The first thing that occurred to me was that the child might have a significant birthday – the same as my own, or one of my parents’, or something like that.

So I went through the program, I learned a lot, I had a home study and a background check and six months later I was fully certified as a foster-to-adopt parent. All the time I was certain that God had a plan for all of this, but I had no idea what it was. I received several phone calls asking me to take various children, but in prayer it just never “felt” right.

And then, this past July, it all came together.

I need to be a little bit vague here, because I need to protect the privacy of the other parties involved in this story. But, essentially, a situation came to my attention involving a little three year old girl whom I had never met personally, but had a close connection to my family. Her mother was unable to care for her, and was willing to relinquish her to someone in my family for adoption. The child had already been bounced between several temporary living arrangements in the previous six months. She needed stability, she needed it immediately, and it became clear that if I didn’t step up, she would very likely wind up going into “the system.” I know the system, and know that older kids often wind up being bounced between foster homes. This child had already been bounced around far too much.

I already had an approved home study. I was ready to go. I live in the midst of a close-knit family and Catholic community where she would have lots of love and lots of kids to play with and to grow up with. What’s more, my flexible career would allow me to work from home, so she wouldn’t have to be placed in day care.

And, in the course of learning about the child, I made a very interesting discovery. Her birthday is April 12th.

That’s my mom’s birthday.

It all came together – the mysterious call to take the foster-adopt class, the certification, the sense of preparing when I didn’t know what I was preparing for. It all seemed to lead to this.

And so, after some prayerful consideration, I agreed to take her in and to start the adoption process. Trust me, the father issue loomed large in my mind. Her own father had no role in her life. And, given the details of the situation, there were no options available that were likely to provide her with a real, live-in Daddy. So I talked to the men in my life – my father, my brother, my brother-in-law and a good friend’s husband. They all agreed to play a significant role in her life, and to act as father-figures for her.

Her mother signed guardianship over to me, and she arrived in Denver to live with me on July 24th. She immediately started calling me “Mommy”, and adjusted surprisingly well. I was struck by what a sweet, smart, engaging, funny child she was. She was a joy to have around.

And so I dove into motherhood. I stocked my fridge with healthy kid food, and tried to coerce her into eating it. We started potty training, complete with a special potty dance and treats from Target to reward her successes. We said bedtime prayers and had play dates and went to birthday parties. She bonded with her new uncles and aunts and cousins and grandparents. She went wherever I went, and aside from a few hours with her grandparents or aunts here and there, we were always together. She was a happy kid, a joy to have around, and everyone who met her fell in love with her.

And I loved it. It was hard, but I really, really loved it.

As the time to sign the adoption papers came closer, her natural mother became less communicative. She wasn’t returning my calls, wasn’t returning my attorney’s calls. Until one Tuesday morning when she called me and said “I can’t do it. I miss her too much.” She had patched together some child-care arrangements, and was revoking my guardianship.

And five days later she was gone, four weeks to the day after she arrived.

That was a little over a month ago, and it’s been a tough adjustment to see her go back to her “old” life, and to let go of the hopes I had for the life I could have given her. And it’s been hard to go back to my “old” life, as well. It’s a good life, of course. A great one, in fact. I’m very fortunate. But I do miss being a Mom.

The question people keep asking me is “Where is God? What about all of those signs?” Well, what about those signs? Was I reading them wrong? Was God not calling me to take her in? We, as limited humans with limited human brains, tend to assume that if God gives us a sign to move ahead with something, that somehow He is guaranteeing that it’s going to be successful. And that’s just not the case. He sees a much bigger picture than we do. He has reasons that go far beyond anything we could possibly understand. He just calls us to take the next step, in faith.

Was it God’s will that this child go back to the circumstances of her old life? I don’t know. That was her mother’s decision, and whether it reflected the will of God or not is between her and God. I just know that I acted prayerfully, I made the best decision I could, and I believe that God is somehow going to bring good out of it.

That’s the lesson I felt was too important not to share, and why I decided to go public with this story. God’s ways are not our ways, and He doesn’t usually show us the full picture. He calls us where He calls us for His own reasons, and our job is to be faithful and to trust Him with the outcome.

He’s doing it in my life, and He’ll do it in yours.

Mary Beth Bonacci is an internationally known speaker. Her major addresses include 10,000 teenagers in Monterrey, Mexico , 75,000 people at World Youth Day in Denver, Colorado , 22,000 people at the TWA Dome during the Pope’s visit to St. Louis , and a national seminar for single adults in Uganda, Africa. She does frequent radio and TV work, and has even made several appearances on MTV . She is the author of We’re on a Mission from God and Real Love, which has been translated into six languages.  Mary Beth holds a bachelor’s degree in Organizational Communication from the University of San Francisco , a master’s degree in Theology of Marriage and Family from the John Paul II Institute , and an honorary Ph.D. in Communications from the Franciscan University of Steubenville . Contact Mary Beth at marybeth@catholicmatch.com . Her web site is www.reallove.net .

So … what does a foster family look like? Most aren’t rich in the financial sense. Some excellent foster parents open their hearts to a child long before they find a spouse. (Here in Ann Arbor, the sisters of Servants of God’s Love have fostered children for years.) You don’t have to own your own home, or even be at home full-time. (On the other hand, troubled children greatly benefit from the love and attention a SAHM can provide.)

So … what does the “gift of fostering” look like?  You might be a great foster parent if …

• You genuinely like being around other people’s children, and they like being around you.
• You instinctively look for ways to help other people – adults and children alike.
• You notice when your child’s classmate doesn’t have a warm jacket … and find one for him.
• You’re good at bringing order out of chaos, but don’t mind a little “happy mess.”
• You have a WYSIWYG philosophy of life: honest, straightforward, and generally kind.
• You‘re a natural (and patient) teacher, capable of giving a lesson again and again.
• You have a “second sense” about children, and can figure out what they need when they can’t tell you themselves.
• You like cuddling, hugs, and dandelion bouquets.
• You make friends for life, even when you don’t see them every day.
• You are a resourceful person, and aren’t too proud to ask for help when you need it.
• You would like to add to your family, but aren’t sure you want another pregnancy.
• Most important: You believe in the power of love to change lives.

Some people hesitate to get involved because they aren’t sure they can bear the thought of getting attached, then having a child leave again. In reality, nearly 60% of foster children never go home, and there are more than 25,000 children who need permanent homes. Most of these children are over four years of age (the median age is eight) – younger children are often a part of a sibling group, have special needs, or are biracial.

However, many foster parents find that the children who enter their lives even for a brief time touch them so deeply, they are better off for having known them for even a short time. For a touching account of one such family’s experience, pick up a copy of “Paper Sack Kids.”

Do you live in the Ann Arbor, Michigan area? Join Heidi Saxton at St. Andrew Parish in Saline on April 28 at 9:45 a.m. for an “adoption fair.” After Heidi’s talk, representatives from local foster and adoption agencies will be on hand to answer any questions you may have about adoption and foster care. For more information, contact Heidi at hsaxton@christianword.com.

This, I tell you, is one of my very favorite parts of parenting. “Looks like SOMEBODY needs his Love Banks checked,” I say.

“Yep,” he grumps, a tiny flicker of a smile twitching at the corner of his mouth.  So we settle ourselves comfortably (he’s getting a little too big for my lap, but we manage somehow) and I solemnly feel the bottom of his foot, right along the instep. “Hmmm… the Hug Bank feels a little low … What do you think?” I murmur.

“Yep,” he glumps again. We wrap our arms around each other …. “MMMM!”

“Check it again, Mom. Does it feel full now?”

Gently I probe again. “Well… maybe another little one. What do you think?”

“Yep.”

“MMMMMMMMMMM!”

“Okay, now the Kiss Bank,” he reminds me. We specialize in kisses at the Saxton House. Butterflies and Piggies, Eskimos and Fairy Dust (blow on the hairline before planting it gently on the widow’s peak). If someone is REALLY ornery, we bestow the dreaded “Puppy Kiss.” Maddy is only too happy to oblige.

“Now the Tickle Bank.”  This time I probe the ball of his foot, right beneath the toes. He squirms and giggles.

“Nope. Empty!  RAUGHHHHHHH!”  Fingers fly – gently and with restraint – up the back and behind the knees, finishing with a thorough foot treatment.  It lasts a couple of seconds, but the smile from a good tickle can last all day.

“Don’t forget, Mom … the Rub Bank.”  My son keeps his hair short because he likes it when I rustle it up. When he was really little I would sit by the side of his bed and rub his head gently to put him to sleep, and even now – a Big Boy of Nine – he needs that soothing.

Affection and the Adopted (or Foster) Child

I’ve heard it said more than once that adoption is a life-long experience, not a one-time occurrence.  The feelings of loss and grief continue, sometimes more actively than others, and it is up to the parent to figure out how to meet the needs of that child.

Children with attachment or bonding issues may not respond positively to such prolonged or intense cuddling … We had to start slowly and build up gradually. On the other hand, the human body craves positive touch and affection, and so as parents we need to find ways to meet the very real needs of our kids in ways that feel safe and nurturing to them.

A shoulder squeeze as you pass by … a gentle back rub at story time … feeding someone their favorite snack, one piece at a time … even the rough-and-tumble physicality of “Daddy Monster” or touch football. Children who have been abused physically or sexually may have boundary issues requiring extra sensitivity and restraint. But finding ways to say, “I love you” or even “I’m glad you’re a part of our family!” are a critical part of helping your child build a healthy sense of self … and demonstrate more powerfully than words ever could the reality of the Heavenly Father who loves them most of all.

Are You Getting Your “Daily Seven”?

Just as our children have emotional needs that can only be met by physical touch, so do we. “Significant touching” – the squeeze of a hand, a pat on the back, a hug – is something we all need every day. (Some say the ideal number is seven touches a day, others put the count much higher.)

If you find yourself getting aggravated by your kids, then, the best solution might not be to hole yourself up in the bedroom to punch a pillow. Instead, you might consider getting down on the floor with your brood for a family cuddle, or maybe even a (gentle) pillow fight!

As parents, we sometimes get so caught up in the dailyness of family life – the appointments, the chores, the schedules, the lists – that we forget to enjoy one another. During the season of Lent, as we are looking for ways to simplify, let’s remember to lavish our time on the only thing that will last forever … the bond we have with our families.

Now … go and fill those Love Banks! You’ll be glad you did.

Copyright 2009 Heidi Hess Saxton

Deacon Tom’s reflection highlights the book The Return of the Prodigal Son: A Story of Homecoming by by Henri J. M. Nouwen.

Our guest Heidi Hess Saxton will be appearing on Al Kresta’s Kresta in the Afternoon on Thursday, December 4th at 3:00 pm EST, so be sure to tune in for more information on her work, adoption and foster parenting.

Be sure to enter this week’s contest to win two great Christmas CDs – click here for entry details.  Share your feedback at 206-339-9272, comment here on the blog or email lisa@catholicmom.com.

Links for this episode:

• Extraordinary Moms Network
• Books by Heidi Hess Saxton:Behold Your Mother, Raising Up Mommy
• Sue Peters Music
  • Contact Sue by email at suepeters13@comcast.net to order Beautiful Brokenness for the special price of $10 per CD
• The Catholic Foodie
• The Catholic Company
• Lisa’s Facebook Profile, Plurk, Twitter
• Catholic Mom Logo Store

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