If you’re single, or have a family member or friend who may be leading a single lifestyle, please share this article with them and refer them to CatholicMatch.com for additional resources.

It’s not a fairy tale, but it’s a beautiful story nonetheless–one of Derek and Natasha growing with God and now with each other.

Natasha and I met on Catholic Match right after Easter. She had lived here for a good long time and I was just getting back from a deployment in Afghanistan. It started with an emotigram that led into a message, which sparked a chain of emails about how we arrived to our place in our faith. Mostly, I was happy to just find a girl who lived less than an hour away after being a member on this site for a year and a half. After a few days of chatting with her online I went to meet her at the young adults group she attends at St. Francis in Henderson. The first week I had just missed her when trying to show at the group’s meeting and surprise her, but found success just a week later. We went out for lunch and ended up spending the whole day together just talking and getting to know each other.

The next few months were a whirlwind of movement. I was trying to close on a house while travelling between Las Vegas and San Diego for work, which put me in and out of hotels and friends’ houses every 2-3 weeks. There was an 8-week period where I was trying to find the right parish when Tash and I didn’t go to the same one twice. Even so, we would get together for dinner at either my hotel or her apartment or get breakfast after Mass and talk about the readings and generally spend as much time getting to know each other as we could. We got to spend time with some of her incredibly large extended family at a family reunion where I was first introduced to many of them as her boyfriend. One of her cousins even warned her, “Just you watch. Those military guys move fast. After 6 months you’ll have a ring on your finger and it’ll just fly from there!” I would drive down to Anthem whenever I could to sit at her Starbucks and spend time with her while she was on break and she would bring out drinks while her coworkers cooed. We kept going to the young adults group and learning about our faith more in depth and rejoiced we were able to share it with each other. We were even bringing each other to confession on a regular basis, when before I met her I would only be going once or twice a year.

My mom was able to meet her on a trip out here in August. She was very happy to see the two of us together and even a little taken aback that I trusted Natasha enough to give her blank, signed checks to take care of some bills while I would be in Wisconsin for two months. Nevertheless, she took care of the place more than I ever could have expected any one to do so.

We both grew closer together even though we were several states apart. We would still call each other every day without fail and say rosaries for our intentions. Natasha started learning to bake cookies and would send me care packages, much to the joy of my office. We were even faced with many lessons of humility and forgiveness when plans we had made fell through and tested our respective characters. I returned feeling like we hadn’t missed a step and we carried on like we always had. We made plans to visit my mom in Virginia after Christmas and kept going to see the Trappist at St. Bridget celebrate the Mass in Latin.

Work and school kept the both of us busy through the rest of the fall and in December I finally decided to buy a ring. It was nervewracking standing at the jewelry counter in a place where most of my co-workers would likely see me, and even more so holding on to it for two and a half weeks so I could find the perfect spot. My mom was in on it and was having a hard time holding back her excitement when Natasha and I left for Skyline Drive. I had picked out the perfect spot with waterfalls and greenery I remembered hiking to many years ago. The ranger at the front gate told us there was only a short section open and the trails were likely snowed over so we could hike at our own risk. We came to a field full of deer grazing between the ice and admired it for a while, then started towards the trail I thought would take us to the waterfalls.

When we got there it was indeed snowed over and it turned out we were on the wrong end of the trail. To make things worse, we both had to go to the bathroom and most of them had been locked up for the winter. After finding some pit toilets, we came to a spot with a gorgeous view and several cars pulled up right as I was about to pull out the ring. A sign on the side of the road told me I only had a mile of road left before the park exit and I still hadn’t found a decent spot. We came to the second to last overlook. She gave me a weird look when I said I wanted to get out here and take a look around. We climbed down some rocks and around to the other side of the jut where I sat her down. She thought I was just fumbling for my camera until I pulled the ring out and knelt down in the snow and popped the question. Natasha was all excitement and tears after that. Mom was getting the celebration dinner ready when we got home and couldn’t hold her happiness back after we shared the news. We even managed to keep it mostly secret until Natasha could get back home and tell her mom in person.

It’s been a good story so far. Not a fairytale, mind you, but just two Catholics growing together through God.

If you’re single, or have a family member or friend who may be leading a single lifestyle, please share this article with them and refer them to CatholicMatch.com for additional resources.

In this Deacon Moment, Tom Fox shares two stories of surrender by Catholic Moms. Tom proposes consideration of a Lenten goal of surrender for parents and spouses.

Avery (www.livewtl.com) talks about evangelizing as a teen by following St. Francis of Assisi’s advice to be Christian examples in the world.

Lisa Mladnich shares a few “amazing” lesson planning tips.

Inspired by a comment by Sherri Antonetti, Sarah Reinhard reflects on Mary’s effort and obedience in this week’s Mary Moment.

Please consider joining us in support of the SQPN.com Giving Campaign.  Your donations will help us to continue in this important evangelization work.

This episode of Catholic Moments is sponsored by CatholicMatch.com, the Leading Catholic Singles Community.  Share your feedback at 206-339-9272, comment here on the blog or email lisa@catholicmom.com.

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If you’re single, or have a family member or friend who may be leading a single lifestyle, please share this article with them and refer them to CatholicMatch.com for additional resources.

“Valentine’s Day. It comes every year whether you like it or not.
It’s the day when your love life is put on display.”

So begins the official trailer for the newest film hitting the big screen this month.

While I have not seen the movie Valentine’s Day, the previews indicate the theme is probably as cliché as the topic. Many single people find the February 14th holiday disheartening, confusing, downright depressing, and in general “just blah” as one of my single friends aptly described it. Sometimes it feels like the only reason for the “hearts and flowers” holiday (besides the economic boost our society generates from the sale of overpriced cards, boxed chocolates, and red roses) is for the world to take notice of the fact that all the single folks aren’t romantically attached. What’s not to love about that, right?

As a single person, I felt very much the same about Valentine’s Day as the feelings I described above. Thus it surprised me how much my perspective has changed since meeting and marrying my husband, and observing the Valentine’s Day drama from the perspective of a married person. It has been somewhat startling to learn that single folks aren’t the only people who don’t get such a kick out of Romance Day.

I just got an email from a young married couple whom my husband and I were supposed to have a couple’s night out with this week. The other couple had to cancel due to their three-year-old son going through a tantrum stage and crying incessantly every night, the husband breaking his leg at work and needing down time, and the 11-month-old coming down with a high fever. Needless to say, this young couple has a lot more important topics on their plate than making arrangements for the perfect romantic Valentine’s evening out.

Then I talked to my sister-in-law, curious what her holiday plans would include. She and her husband are the homeschooling parents of five children. “One of the highlights of the day is Eric promised me he’d keep the kids quiet downstairs so I could take a nice long shower and take my time getting ready upstairs. That rarely happens without kiddie interruption and it’s such a gift!” she told me with a laugh.

My own sister has two children under age two. She said the best gift of love is when her husband watches the babies while she goes out for a 3-mile jog around the neighborhood all by herself. Her husband is happy with a bag of his favorite bite-sized chocolate bars wrapped in pink and red foil…“and we’ll get a babysitter so we can slip out for a quick dinner too.”

Reflecting on these and many other examples of how married friends spend Valentine’s Day (especially those with children), has made me realize that the people who make the biggest deal about Valentine’s Day usually aren’t married couples – which is ironic since they’re the ones most in love and with the most excuses to pull out all the romantic stops on February 14th.

While this struck me as odd and kind of disappointing at first (after all, as a single person I thought the grass was MUCH greener – well, redder and pinker and more chocolate and roses-filled — on the married side of Valentine’s Day), upon further reflection I’ve realized that these self-giving examples of married love are the type that most resemble the original Valentine of February 14th.

Who was Saint Valentine Anyway?

The simple answer: we don’t know a whole lot about him. The biography on Catholic Online mentions he was a priest in Rome, who cared for the martyr Christians under the persecution of Claudius II. When his ministry to Christians was discovered, he was arrested, badly beaten, and eventually beheaded, on February 14th in the late 3rd century.

The Catholic Encyclopedia lists at least three Saint Valentines. Interestingly, all three of them, died martyrs’ deaths. How the Saint Valentine who died on February 14th became the patron of love, affianced couples, and happy marriages, is shrouded in legend and mystery. And yet this martyr saint is frequently depicted with lovebirds, roses, and flowers surrounding him – as early as the late fifth century.

Love as Sacrifice

If you think about it, the fact that the real Saint Valentine was a martyr priest in the early years of Christianity is incredibly profound for single and married people alike, struggling to make sense out of Valentine’s Day.

How appropriate that the calendar day when love is most celebrated is focused, in a Catholic sense, on the true meaning of love – the radical kind – the kind that is so profoundly self-giving that it’s willing to lay itself down out of love for another.

St. Valentine exemplified the type of love that matters most. Not friendship love. Not familial love. Not even Eros love. Instead, it’s the love that mirrors the divine in its total outpouring for another. Agape love.

For some, this overflowing love looks like 5:00am feedings of your newborn baby. For others, it’s getting up for work when the alarm goes off the first time. Perhaps it’s working a second shift to help pay the extra family bills. For many couples, it’s rejoicing in the little pleasures of life, like a bouquet of roses or a box of chocolates that says “I Love You” while your kids run around the two of you in their sugar-rush from just finishing off said box of chocolates that was “yours.”

Single people and dating couples are not going to find this kind of radical love spelled out on a card in the Valentine’s aisle of your local Walgreen’s or Target. It’s not found in a night at the movies or a romantic steak dinner for two. You may find witnesses of it in your parish priest, in the lives of married couples you know, perhaps in your own parents, and certainly in the Catholic saint whose martyrdom is memorialized on February 14th.

Celebrate Valentine’s Day the Real Way

There’s no easy antidote to the Valentine’s Day blues if you are a single person – especially one who longs for the love of another. I cannot offer a solution to the prick in your heart as you pass by your local flower shop, a red and pink card aisle, a Godiva chocolate store, or Kay’s Jewelers, and witness the general hoopla. It’s a cross each single person must carry.

And yet, there might be something you can do to discipline your focus this month. Instead of allowing yourself to dwell on the Valentine’s commotion around you, perhaps make a commitment to do something for one person on February 14th that is putting selfless love into practice. Perhaps it’s babysitting so a married couple can steal away for an hour or two of precious alone time. Maybe it’s bringing a heart-shaped box of chocolates to an elderly person at Church on Sunday. Possibly you’ll invite a bunch of other single people over for a fun night of movie watching or game playing.

Going to see the new Valentine’s Day movie might give you a few laughs and perhaps a sense of commiseration with other singles who don’t appreciate February 14th. But if you choose instead to do something selfless for someone else, you will have prepared well for the authentic love your heart so deeply and ultimately desires.

Sacred Heart of Jesus, kindle the fire of your divine love within our hearts!

Saint Valentine, patron of love, young people, and happy marriages, pray for us and our future spouses!

Stephanie can be reached at stephanie@catholicmatch.com

If you’re single, or have a family member or friend who may be leading a single lifestyle, please share this article with them and refer them to CatholicMatch.com for additional resources.

Psychologist Martha Beck outlines a new approach to keeping our New Year’s resolutions in “How to (Finally!) Keep Your new Year’s Resolutions” in the January issue of O. Instead of relying on will power, research suggests we will all be more successful in meeting our goals if we rely on other people.

Not exactly a news flash, right?

But the interesting part is exactly whom we should rely on. Here Dr. Beck describes four different motivational—or “conative”—styles. When it comes to solving our problems, or striving toward our goals, we tend to be “implementers,” “follow through,” “quick start,” or “fact-finders” according to this theory.

Sounds a lot like the four classic temperaments to me.

Let’s take a typical New Year’s resolution, and analyze the various ways each of the temperaments would tackle this goal (using what some might call their distinct “conative” styles). Let’s say the resolution is to get in shape, begin a new fitness program. The choleric is the goal-oriented, bottom line, “implementer.” He wants to solve the problem and get on with life, pronto. What’s the quickest way to get in shape and lose 30 pounds by March 1? He signs on for “Xtreme Boot Camp” at 5:30 AM every day of the week. That’ll do it. Until he throws his back out.

The phlegmatic is just the opposite the choleric, preferring to carefully and methodically research all the various fitness programs and various health clubs. There’s also the cost to consider; perhaps a home fitness program might be beneficial. Then there’s getting out of bed.

Next we come to the melancholic. “Are you kidding me? You expect me to join a health club now? I can’t just jump into a fitness program without having a thorough health evaluation and completing research on the most reputable health clubs in the area. I need to identify the trainers who achieve the best results.” Melancholics tend to say “no” until they have processed all the information and are sure that they will be able to succeed in their plan. Then (and only then) they will cautiously dip their big toe in the water. They tend to be slow to initiate but, once they have decided on the perfect plan, they will persevere.

The sanguine (just the opposite of the melancholic) will enthusiastically sign up (January 2nd) for whatever the most popular fitness program is…and will be equally quick to drop it. Sanguines tend to be enthusiastic, creative, and rather impulsive, learning by trial and error what works and what doesn’t. (Think Tigger: Tiggers absolutely love thistles…until he tries them.) The problem is sticking with the program, especially when it becomes boring.

After identifying your conative style, Dr. Beck advises teaming up with someone who is the exact opposite. Someone you are not likely to gravitate toward, naturally. In fact, someone who is likely to drive you crazy. This may be the very person who can help you succeed in your goals.

If you are extremely goal-oriented and bottom-line driven (choleric) then you will be successful teaming with someone who is more sensitive to the subtle and personal details, such what sort of shape you are currently in, what program would work for you. (If you take into consideration these crucial details, you reduce your risk of throwing your back out, two weeks into boot camp!). If you are an extremely choosy perfectionist who tends to over-analyze before beginning any new project, you will benefit from joining forces with a dynamic motivator who can jump start the process.

For those of us who have identified our temperament, this means: a choleric teams with a phlegmatic and a sanguine teams with a melancholic. Each will supply the other with just what they need to keep going. The choleric who wants to get to the bottom line (weight loss, fitness) can really benefit from the phlegmatic’s careful and methodical analysis of the process. In turn, the easy-going phlegmatic will benefit from the choleric’s drive to succeed.

The sanguine, who might impulsively sign up for whatever sounds fun and intriguing (hey, I found a “kick-boxing speed crochet” class!) at the moment can use a little of the melancholic’s careful research and attention to detail. The creativity and enthusiasm of the sanguine will help motivate the rather skeptical melancholic, who otherwise might not be able to work up any enthusiasm for the project. In turn, the melancholic’s perseverance will help the sanguine maintain her program, espec ially when the sanguine gets bored and wants to quit to do something more fun.

This concept of team work for success is, of course, not new. And the specific idea of appreciating other people’s gifts and talents (especially to fill in those gaps where we are weak) was anticipated by Saint Catherine of Siena more than 600 years ago. Our Lord revealed to Saint Catherine in the Dialogues that He did not give any one person all the natural gifts (read temperament or “conative style”)that he or she would need in order to succeed in life, because He wanted us to rely on one another. “I could easily have created men possessed of all that they should need both for body and soul, but I wish that one should have need of the other.”

Saint Catherine had it right. Let’s team with our friends (especially those who are very different) for success in meeting our New Year’s goals. And in the process, we will develop a healthy respect and appreciation for each other’s gifts and talents.

Laraine Bennett is a freelance writer with articles published in Catholic Faith & Family, Ligourian, New Oxford Review, and the National Catholic Register. Together with her husband, Art, she co-authored The Temperament God Gave You (2005 Sophia Institute Press). Laraine has a BA in Philosophy from Santa Clara University and an MA in Philosophy from the University of California, Santa Barbara. Laraine and her husband have been married for 28 years and have lived in California and Germany, and are presently living in Northern Virginia. They have four children — one of each temperament. She can reached at  laraine@catholicmatch.com

If you’re single, or have a family member or friend who may be leading a single lifestyle, please share this article with them and refer them to CatholicMatch.com for additional resources.

What if Jesus said to you that He only wanted one New Year’s Resolution. With that as a premise — Deacon Tom explores what ONE THING he would resolve in 2010. And what might your’s be?

Sarah Reinhard shares her struggle with resolutions and a suggestion from My Ideal: Jesus, Son of Mary, by Fr. Emil Neubert.

Please consider joining us in support of the SQPN.com Giving Campaign.  Your donations will help us to continue in this important evangelization work.

This episode of Catholic Moments is sponsored by CatholicMatch.com, the Leading Catholic Singles Community.  Share your feedback at 206-339-9272, comment here on the blog or email lisa@catholicmom.com.

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• Annie Karto
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As we prepare to celebrate the holiday season with family and friends, I hope you’ll remember those in your life who may find this holiday particularly difficult or depressing.  Our recent podcast conversation with Jerry Weber reminded me that for those struggling with clinical depression or anxiety disorders, my happiest time of the year can be their most painful moment of the year.  For single friends, this time of the year often brings loneliness and isolation.  If you have a single family member or friend this year, you may want to read the following article from CatholicMatch.com and look for special ways to include them in your family celebration this year.

Christmas, New Year’s hardest times to be single, poll reveals

Catholics vote and vent about the woes of holiday singledom

PITTSBURGH – The most wonderful time of year is the loneliest time for singles, a telling new CatholicMatch poll reveals.

Nearly 3,000 members answered the question: “Which holiday do you find most difficult to be single?” Forty percent chose Christmas, while 32 percent said New Year’s Eve, 26 percent said Valentine’s Day and 2 percent said Thanksgiving.

The romantic scenes that play out in Christmas movies, commercials and songs – kissing couples, sparkling diamonds, happy endings – can painfully underscore the absence of a significant other, respondents said. “Is anyone familiar with that jewelry store Jared?” asked Monica-390419. “Their commercials are enough to make you gag. I recluse from Nov. 1 until Jan. 1, and then it’s safe to come out.”

Julio-512347 admitted, “In the past there have been occasions where I’ve just slept through it all and was glad it was over.”

A fire is less delightful with no one to hold tight or kiss goodnight, singles lamented. Even a beautiful Christmas Mass can be difficult, Katherine-489999 noted. “People kind of look at you as if to say, ‘So where is your guy or hubby?’ It makes me feel rotten.”

Attending holiday parties without a date is hard for many CatholicMatch members. “It’s like being alone in a crowd,” Donna-462418 explained. Others dread family gatherings, where uncles tease, aunts quiz and grandparents examine left hands. “You go to your families and see all your cousins and everyone engaged or newly married with newborns,” Daniel-228472 wrote. “It gets depressing year after year.”

But if Christmas induces the most pointed, prolonged sense of loneliness among singles, New Year’s Eve takes a close second. Respondents vented about the awkward midnight kiss and the lack of partnership entering into a new year. “Everyone is paired off and dressed up,” Denise-464246 wrote. “Sitting at home with my bottle of sparkling cider is boring – even if I put on my nice PJs.”

With more 22 million single Catholics in the country – a record number – it’s important for married friends and relatives to be sensitive during Christmas, CatholicMatch co-founder Brian Barcaro said. “It’s easy to breeze through the holidays and forget how something small – a certain song, the sight of mistletoe, a photo card – can nudge someone into a lonely bout.”

CatholicMatch polls like this one reflect the dynamic online community that sets the site apart. While members seek out their spouses, they also share trials and triumphs, insights and prayers. The site supports instant messaging and hosts three chat rooms and 38 forums, including St. Isidore’s Room (for techies), St. Joseph’s Room (for job hunters) and St. Vitus’ Room (for jokesters).

To view the full poll results: http://www.catholicmatch.com/polls/details.html?poll_id=2618

Deacon Tom focuses on love and shares an excerpt from his beautiful December column at CatholicMom.com.

Mary smiles at us from the mess of the manger in this week’s Mary Moment, shared by Sarah Reinhard.

Please consider joining us in support of the SQPN.com Giving Campaign.  Your donations will help us to continue in this important evangelization work.

This episode of Catholic Moments is sponsored by CatholicMatch.com, the Leading Catholic Singles Community.  Share your feedback at 206-339-9272, comment here on the blog or email lisa@catholicmom.com.

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On this weekend when we count our blessings, I am especially grateful to our sponsor CatholicMatch.com for the support they have given us this year. Thanks to their underwriting, we have been able to expand the services we offer our readers and reach an even broader audience.  This week’s article, shared by CatholicMatch.com, shows the power of the services they provide.  Laura and James are a “real world” example of the potential of the service. If you’re single, or have a family member or friend who may be leading a single lifestyle, please share this article with them and refer them to CatholicMatch.com for additional resources.

I (Laura) was living in Denver, CO in Feb 2007. I reactivated my account to meet local people. I saw James’s profile and sent him a message, and didn’t get a reply for 2 weeks. I came across it again and sent him another message that said “I didn’t get a reply, I guess this means we aren’t getting married!?”

About a week later I got the email back that explained that he had been diagnosed with T-cell Lymphoma and was going through Chemotherapy right now, and didn’t know when he could reply, but that he wasnt being rude. I quickly sent him my phone number and told him if he needed anyone to talk to to kill the time to give me a call.

He called, and the rest is history.

We dated throughout the year, and his cancer went into remission. In Febuary of 2008, he came to visit me in Denver. I moved home to Oklahoma to be closer to him soon after. We got engaged on Valentines Day 2009, and we got married on July 25th of 2009. We are happy, and very much in love.

He is brave, and a cancer survivor, and the best husband anyone could ask for. He makes me laugh and understands everything about me. We spend our days laughing. Thanks Catholic Match for helping me find my husband. I know that together we can get through anything, and our common faith is the reason for that. I’ve never been happier, or more thankful.

If you’re single, or have a family member or friend who may be leading a single lifestyle, please share this article with them and refer them to CatholicMatch.com for additional resources.

Cohabitation has become as commonplace as seeing Angelina Jolie’s face on tabloid covers in the checkout aisle these days. “Everybody” seems to be doing it, and “everybody” seems to think it’s a good idea. In fact, more than 62% of young adults believe it would be a good idea to cohabitate before marriage.

On the surface, cohabitation seems logical. Divorce rates are skyrocketing worldwide, yet you want lifelong love and lasting happiness when you get married. You’d test drive a car before buying it, so why not take your relationship around the block to make sure everything works well before marriage?

Unfortunately, shopping for cars and spouses do not require the same techniques. Research has overwhelmingly shown that the only reasons anyone would ever want to cohabitate are…

1. You think commitment is overrated

If you think commitment is an overrated virtue in a relationship; that partners should be allowed to cheat on each other; and if you girls don’t mind living indefinitely with a guy without hope of a marriage proposal, then cohabitation would suit you well.

Cohabitation kills motivation and incentive for men and women to commit exclusively to each other in a relationship. Studies show that those who cohabitate before marriage are three times more likely to engage in an extramarital affair.

Cohabitation particularly affects a man’s ability to commit. According to the Family in America Report (March 2004), young men unwilling to cohabitate are 133% more likely to marry.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church explains why cohabitation is not good preparation for faithfulness in marriage:

#2391: “Human love does not tolerate ‘trial marriages.’ It demands a total and definitive gift of persons to one another.”
#2390: “…The expression ‘free union’ is fallacious: what can ‘union’ mean when the partners make no commitment to one another, each exhibiting a lack of trust in the other, in himself, or in the future? … These situations offend against the dignity of marriage; they destroy the very idea of the family; they weaken the sense of fidelity [and]… are contrary to the moral law.”

So what’s missing in cohabitation that causes a commitment failure? The wedding ring: that small piece of jewelry placed on the finger that symbolizes “til death do us part.”

2. “Achy Breaky Heart” is your favorite song

If you enjoy bonding romantically with a person and then breaking up and getting your heart broken, then cohabitation is definitely the way to go. Cohabiting relationships are usually brief, and they often cause a string of successive relationships, each starting with a lower level of trust.

Studies have found that only 1/6 of cohabiting relationships last as long as three years. It’s also common for those who cohabitate to become what experts call “serial cohabitors” – those who enter into a series of cohabiting relationships. The greatest danger of repeated romantic bonding and breaking up, according to Barbara Dafoe Whitehead of the National Marriage Project, is “once this low-commitment, high autonomy pattern of relating is learned, it becomes hard to unlearn…the experience of dissolving one cohabiting relationship generates a greater willingness to dissolve later relationships.”

Sure sounds like a great way to prepare for divorce later in life.

3. You can’t stand hearing Bobby McFerrin sing “Don’t Worry Be Happy”

If you don’t want to be happy in life, by all means, cohabitate! Cohabiting couples report lower levels of happiness and higher levels of depression than married couples.

According to the National Fatherhood Initiative, “annual rates of depression are three times higher” for cohabiting couples compared to married couples. Cohabiting unions “have more disagreements, fight more often, and report lower levels of happiness and fairness than their married counterparts”. Cohabiting men and women also reported “significantly more alcohol problems than married or single men and women.”

On the other hand, if you want to be happy, follow God’s plan for true happiness. The Bible promises happiness to those who follow His will for our lives:

“Hear instruction and be wise…Happy is the man who listens to me, watching daily at my gates, waiting beside my doors. For he who finds me finds life and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 8:33-35).

“Blessed is every one who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways! You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be happy, and it shall be well with you” (Psalm 128:1-2).

4. Your favorite TV show is Divorce Court

If you love watching couples scream at each other in front of their friendly neighborhood judge, and would like to experience the same splitting headaches in your own relationship, then you’re a perfect candidate for cohabitation.

While 62% of young adults agree that living together before marriage is a good way to avoid eventual divorce (according to a 2001 Gallup survey), the reality is cohabitation actually increases your probability of divorce by at least 46% (c.f. 1992 National Survey of Families and Households). [Note: this is a conservative estimate. Some studies found cohabitation increases one’s probability of divorce by as much as 75-80% (c.f. National Marriage Project, 2002)].

Thanks to the mistakes of our parent’s generation, who issued in the sexual revolution in the 60s, you and I already have about a 50% probability of divorce without any other factors involved. Add a much higher risk factor to that figure by cohabiting, and we might as well start auditioning for Divorce Court right now!

One reason for the correlation between cohabitation and divorce, according to David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, is the increased levels of selfishness and reduced level of commitment: “People’s tolerance for unhappiness is diminished, and they will scrap a marriage that might otherwise be salvaged.” Furthermore, a study conducted by the National Survey of Families and Households found that “no positive contribution of cohabitation to marriage has ever been found.”

5. You find black eyes attractive

Cohabitation is dangerous for the physical well-being of women and children. Women in cohabitating relationships are more likely to report physical and sexual abuse. Some researchers found that “aggression is at least twice as common among cohabitors as it is among married partners.” Canadian and U.S. studies also identified that “women in cohabiting relationships are about nine times more likely to be killed by their partner than women in marital relationships” (Todd Shackelford, Aggressive Behavior, p. 27, 2001).

On a recent radio broadcast I hosted on the topic of cohabitation, a police officer from a college campus in Phoenix called in to confirm that the above correlation between cohabitation and abuse are true. “We get calls for domestic issues all the time,” the officer said, “and nine times out of ten it’s a live-in boyfriend and girlfriend situation.”

Cohabitation is also dangerous for children living in a home with cohabitors. According to the 2000 Census Bureau, 41% of all unmarried-couple households include a child under 18, and three quarters of children born to cohabiting parents will see their parents split up before they turn 16. Children living in cohabiting households with “step-fathers” or “mom’s boyfriends” are at a higher risk of sexual abuse and physical violence, including lethal violence, than children living with married biological parents (c.f. R. Gelles and J. Lancaster, eds., Child Abuse and Neglect: Biosocial Problems, 1992). So unless you want to see your child become the next Eminem, don’t bring him or her into a cohabiting relationship.

6. Just for Girls: you want to marry a guy who can’t talk

Ladies, if you enter a cohabiting relationship with a man before marriage, and engage in pre-marital relations, you will kill his ability to verbally communicate with you later in marriage.

As we all know, God designed men and women differently – us women got the lion’s share of verbal communication skills and guys are wired more physically than we are. During courtship, a man has a chance to learn how to express his thoughts and feelings to a woman – he learns to verbally communicate with her.

If a couple becomes physically active during the time when they should be learning how to verbally express love for each other, the girl will spend the rest of the relationship waiting for her man to talk to her, when in reality her relationship has become a re-make of Cool Hand Luke: “What we have here is a failure to communicate.”

Lack of communication is one of the major reasons listed on divorce filings today.

7. You like to vacation in unusually hot places

All of the social, emotional, and physical issues aside, cohabitation also directly affects your relationship with God and your eternal destiny. When we disobey God’s law and engage in a relationship that contradicts the Creator’s design for man and woman, we sin and turn our back on God’s love and His plan for our lives.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church clearly explains the immorality and eternal consequences of cohabitation:

#2353 “Fornication is carnal union between an unmarried man and an unmarried woman. It is gravely contrary to the dignity of persons and of human sexuality which is naturally ordered to the good of spouses and the generation and education of children.”

#1755: “There are some concrete acts – such as fornication – that it is always wrong to choose, because choosing them entails a disorder of the will, that is, a moral evil.”

#2390: “[These situations] are contrary to the moral law. The sexual act must always take place exclusively within marriage. Outside of marriage it always constitutes a grave sin and excludes one from sacramental communion.”

The Bible also clearly outlines the eternal effects of unrepented cohabitation. St. Paul wrote: “Do not be deceived; neither fornicators nor idolaters . . . will inherit the kingdom of God” (1 Corinthians 6:9-10).

Because mortal sin turns the mind and heart away from God, it’s not surprising that researchers have found that couples who cohabitate are “less religious” than married couples. (c.f. Linda Waite, “The Negative Effects of Cohabitation”.)

“But I don’t want my relationship to end in divorce!”

Of course, those couples who choose to cohabitate before marriage aren’t doing so because they love Divorce Court. They’re cohabiting because they desire true love – they want to safeguard that their future marriage will last a lifetime. Research shows that many cohabiting couples come from broken homes or divorced families, and they’re looking for ways to avoid their parents’ mistakes.

Unfortunately, our society isn’t presenting the brutal truth about the effects of cohabitation to our generation. That’s why it’s so important for us to search the Bible, the teachings of the Church, and solid research from the social sciences to learn how to best prepare for lifelong love.

Just remember: taking the car around the block doesn’t help when it comes to relationships. Saying “I Do” is the best way to increase your chances that you will.

Reading Recommendation:

If you or any single friends you know have questions about the issue of cohabitation and its potential effects on your life and relationships, I cannot recommend this book highly enough: How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, by Dr. John Van Epp

References Used:

* “Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need to Know about Cohabitation before Marriage: A Comprehensive Review of Recent Research.” 2nd Edition. David Popenoe and Barbara Dafore Whitehead. National Marriage Project of Rutgers University, 2002.
* “The State of Our Unions: The Social Health of Marriage in America.” David Popenoe and Barbara Dafore Whitehead. 2002. National Marriage Project of Rutgers University.
* “The Family in America Report”, March 2004.
* National Fatherhood Initiative. Selected Policy Statements. 2000 Report.
* Linda J. Waite, “The Negative Effects of Cohabitation.” The Communitarian Network, Volume 10, Issue 1, Winter 1999/2000.

* Stephen Wood, “Extinguishing Real Love Before Your Marriage Begins”. Chapter 5 in The ABCs of Choosing a Good Husband (and Wife). Family Life Center International, 2007.

Stephanie can be reached at stephanie@catholicmatch.com

I’m so happy to share the following article from our wonderful sponsor, CatholicMatch.com, the leading Catholic singles community.  Author Mary Beth Bonacci offers her remarkable, and yet temporary, experience as a foster mom.  Having had close friends in my life who have experienced the foster and adoption processes, I pray for Mary Beth, the mom and daughter in this her story, and all of those seeking to build happy homes and familes.  I hope you’ll enjoy reading Mary Beth’s insights and that you will visit or refer single friends to CatholicMatch.com for more great resources for Catholic singles.

So I’ve had kind of a lot going on in my life lately, and I’ve been debating how much of it I wanted to share publicly. In this internet age, information goes “viral” very quickly, and it’s always a little disconcerting to find complete strangers discussing and dissecting my personal life on-line. But some experiences and insights are important enough that they need to be shared, and this seems like one of them.

This summer, I became a mother. Briefly.

And no, it’s not what you think. I didn’t get pregnant, I didn’t have a baby. (Although I sort of enjoy the thought of the collective gasp that went up when that sentence entered cyber-space.) The real story isn’t so scandalous, but it’s far more interesting.

It started a little over a year ago. I began to feel a very strong calling to become certified as a foster-to-adopt parent through my county. This seemed strange to me, because I’m a very firm believer in the importance of fathers, and I didn’t understand why God would be calling me, as a single woman, to adopt a child. I brought the situation to my spiritual director, who shared my concerns but agreed that God seemed to be calling me to move ahead with the next step, becoming certified. He did suggest that, if presented with the opportunity to adopt a child, I should pray for a very clear sign. Later, in prayer, I remember asking God what kind of sign that might be. The first thing that occurred to me was that the child might have a significant birthday – the same as my own, or one of my parents’, or something like that.

So I went through the program, I learned a lot, I had a home study and a background check and six months later I was fully certified as a foster-to-adopt parent. All the time I was certain that God had a plan for all of this, but I had no idea what it was. I received several phone calls asking me to take various children, but in prayer it just never “felt” right.

And then, this past July, it all came together.

I need to be a little bit vague here, because I need to protect the privacy of the other parties involved in this story. But, essentially, a situation came to my attention involving a little three year old girl whom I had never met personally, but had a close connection to my family. Her mother was unable to care for her, and was willing to relinquish her to someone in my family for adoption. The child had already been bounced between several temporary living arrangements in the previous six months. She needed stability, she needed it immediately, and it became clear that if I didn’t step up, she would very likely wind up going into “the system.” I know the system, and know that older kids often wind up being bounced between foster homes. This child had already been bounced around far too much.

I already had an approved home study. I was ready to go. I live in the midst of a close-knit family and Catholic community where she would have lots of love and lots of kids to play with and to grow up with. What’s more, my flexible career would allow me to work from home, so she wouldn’t have to be placed in day care.

And, in the course of learning about the child, I made a very interesting discovery. Her birthday is April 12th.

That’s my mom’s birthday.

It all came together – the mysterious call to take the foster-adopt class, the certification, the sense of preparing when I didn’t know what I was preparing for. It all seemed to lead to this.

And so, after some prayerful consideration, I agreed to take her in and to start the adoption process. Trust me, the father issue loomed large in my mind. Her own father had no role in her life. And, given the details of the situation, there were no options available that were likely to provide her with a real, live-in Daddy. So I talked to the men in my life – my father, my brother, my brother-in-law and a good friend’s husband. They all agreed to play a significant role in her life, and to act as father-figures for her.

Her mother signed guardianship over to me, and she arrived in Denver to live with me on July 24th. She immediately started calling me “Mommy”, and adjusted surprisingly well. I was struck by what a sweet, smart, engaging, funny child she was. She was a joy to have around.

And so I dove into motherhood. I stocked my fridge with healthy kid food, and tried to coerce her into eating it. We started potty training, complete with a special potty dance and treats from Target to reward her successes. We said bedtime prayers and had play dates and went to birthday parties. She bonded with her new uncles and aunts and cousins and grandparents. She went wherever I went, and aside from a few hours with her grandparents or aunts here and there, we were always together. She was a happy kid, a joy to have around, and everyone who met her fell in love with her.

And I loved it. It was hard, but I really, really loved it.

As the time to sign the adoption papers came closer, her natural mother became less communicative. She wasn’t returning my calls, wasn’t returning my attorney’s calls. Until one Tuesday morning when she called me and said “I can’t do it. I miss her too much.” She had patched together some child-care arrangements, and was revoking my guardianship.

And five days later she was gone, four weeks to the day after she arrived.

That was a little over a month ago, and it’s been a tough adjustment to see her go back to her “old” life, and to let go of the hopes I had for the life I could have given her. And it’s been hard to go back to my “old” life, as well. It’s a good life, of course. A great one, in fact. I’m very fortunate. But I do miss being a Mom.

The question people keep asking me is “Where is God? What about all of those signs?” Well, what about those signs? Was I reading them wrong? Was God not calling me to take her in? We, as limited humans with limited human brains, tend to assume that if God gives us a sign to move ahead with something, that somehow He is guaranteeing that it’s going to be successful. And that’s just not the case. He sees a much bigger picture than we do. He has reasons that go far beyond anything we could possibly understand. He just calls us to take the next step, in faith.

Was it God’s will that this child go back to the circumstances of her old life? I don’t know. That was her mother’s decision, and whether it reflected the will of God or not is between her and God. I just know that I acted prayerfully, I made the best decision I could, and I believe that God is somehow going to bring good out of it.

That’s the lesson I felt was too important not to share, and why I decided to go public with this story. God’s ways are not our ways, and He doesn’t usually show us the full picture. He calls us where He calls us for His own reasons, and our job is to be faithful and to trust Him with the outcome.

He’s doing it in my life, and He’ll do it in yours.

Mary Beth Bonacci is an internationally known speaker. Her major addresses include 10,000 teenagers in Monterrey, Mexico , 75,000 people at World Youth Day in Denver, Colorado , 22,000 people at the TWA Dome during the Pope’s visit to St. Louis , and a national seminar for single adults in Uganda, Africa. She does frequent radio and TV work, and has even made several appearances on MTV . She is the author of We’re on a Mission from God and Real Love, which has been translated into six languages.  Mary Beth holds a bachelor’s degree in Organizational Communication from the University of San Francisco , a master’s degree in Theology of Marriage and Family from the John Paul II Institute , and an honorary Ph.D. in Communications from the Franciscan University of Steubenville . Contact Mary Beth at marybeth@catholicmatch.com . Her web site is www.reallove.net .

Today — Sarah Reinhard is featured on a combined Deacon Moment and a Mary Moment. We hope you’ll join us as Sarah discusses her conversion to the Catholic Faith and how Mary was close to Sarah during her entire journey into the Church.

We are thrilled to announce our partnership with CatholicMatch.com as they begin sponsoring this podcast.  Please support CatholicMatch.com and be sure to enter our current CatholicMatch.com for your opportunity to win a three month membership to the Leading Catholic Singles Community.

This episode of Catholic Moments is sponsored by CatholicMatch.com, the Leading Catholic Singles Community.  Share your feedback at 206-339-9272, comment here on the blog or email lisa@catholicmom.com.

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• Deborah Schaben – Facebook, Twitter
• Hiking the Camino: 500 Miles with Jesus
• Paul’s Men Podcast
• “Gather Us In” Conference featuring Immaculee Ilibagiza
• Current CatholicMom.com Contests – Rosary Workout Book Contest, CatholicMatch.com Membership Contest
• CatholicMom.com Book Club
• The Catholic Company
• Lisa’s Facebook Profile, SQPN Connect Page, Plurk, Twitter
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From its beginnings to now, CatholicMatch.com helps users to more easily form a relationship based on a commonality in faith, which God willing, can ultimately lead to a fulfilling marriage. By utilizing tools like the Catholic Match exclusive temperament test that is rooted in both natural law and gospel values (instead of scientific fact or new age philosophy), members are provided the opportunity for self-evaluation, in addition to more deeply learning about a potential spouse. Rather than placing someone in a static personality box, this test allows users to understand the temperament God gave them and their future spouse, while leaving room for sacramental grace to impact both behavior and spiritual maturity.

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