Frankly, by the time I met my husband at the age of 34, my heart had so many battle scars, it was a wonder that I had anything left to offer him.  Each of us had memories and habits to overcome.  And by the grace of God, through the sacrament of matrimony, we built a life together, choosing each day to trust in the fidelity we had promised to one another.  A decade has passed, and we are still learning what it means to give of ourselves completely in authentic, life-long love.  Some days I wonder if I will ever catch up to my husband, who exhibits heroic virtue in the areas I am weakest, such as patience and compassion and gentleness and self-control.  It really can be trying … then again, I’m sure I’m no picnic.

Because of our respective pasts, some scars run so deep that there is really no getting rid of them entirely, though marriage has in a very real way been a sacrament of healing as well as vocation. Every once in a while a twinge resurfaces. Which raises an important question:  When such memories resurface, what is a faithful soul to do? What does fidelity demand?

Have you ever wondered this? If so, pick up a copy of Elena Maria Vidal’s The Night’s Dark Shade. When the heroine’s fiancé and father die in battle, so crushed is Lady Raphaelle that nothing is left for her but duty. Day after anguished day she trudges along and hopes for … if not the best, at least a measure of peace. Instead she finds herself trapped by circumstances, surrounded by “good Christians” who do not reverence the cross, bear witness to the goodness of creation, or regard pregnancy as a gift to be embraced within marriage.

In the words of King Solomon, there is truly “nothing new under the sun.” Although Vidal’s latest novel is set in medieval France, The Night’s Dark Shade is richly textured with two perennial truths: From one generation to the next, faith and love are tested by any number of devilish counterfeits.  And each in turn discovers that the surest pathway to happiness lies not in surrender to the sham, but in resistance.

Vidal has a loyal following of readers because of her lyrical, thoroughly Catholic treatment of medieval French history. Her first two novels, Trianon and Madame Royale, offer unexpected glimpses into the life and faith of Marie Antoinette and her extended family.  The Night’s Dark Shade examines a different period of history, and yet this book also raises important questions and draws connections that are as relevant now as they were hundreds of years ago.  Well worth reading.

The Night’s Dark Shade and Elena Maria Vidal’s other novels are available through Amazon.com or directly through the publisher; be sure to peruse her blog, Tea at Trianon, as well.

Copyright 2010 Heidi Hess Saxton

A supersized black kid wearing shorts and a polo shirt, carrying a plastic grocery sack, wandered aimlessly in the frigid night air.  He had run from multiple foster homes, most recently from a black family that had gotten him into Briarcrest Christian School. (The football coach had taken one look at Big Mike and seen next season’s star offensive left tackle, not realizing the boy had never touched a football, and was in fact a “big marshmallow.”)

Alone and penniless, Big Mike spent the following weeks just trying to survive. Then one night, alone on a deserted road, an affluent white family, the Tuohys, found Michael and brought him home. “It’s just for one night, right?” Sean Tuohy (Tim McGraw) asked his wife, Leigh Anne (Sandra Bullock). Sitting beside me in the theater, my husband chuckled. “I know that look,” he whispered to me. He was right. Michael stayed.

Now, Michael was not good at many things.  He could barely read.  He didn’t know how to study.  He rarely talked.  And, much to the chagrin of the football coach, he didn’t know what to do with a football. But he was good at one thing:  he had strong, protective instincts.  With family, “I’ve got your back.”

And that one, single gift – his drive to protect – set his life’s course with an unforgettable story of second chances and redemption.

Life Behind the Christmas Card

When the Tuohys found Michael on that deserted road, my eyes filled with tears as I thought of the thousands of kids like Michael, who never get a ride home.  Thought of how much better this world would be if more families were like Michael’s adoptive family.

There were a million reasons for them not to get involved – what people might think, what Michael might do, the fact that he was a chronic runaway.  Despite their best efforts and intentions, they could never hope to relate to him and to assimilate him into their family as a black family would. Indeed, some accused the Tuohys of exploiting and controlling the young man for their own selfish purposes. And yet, they needed only one good reason to act: because Michael needed them.

Blind Side is a heartwarming story, without a doubt.  I hope that it will inspire hundreds of families to go out and adopt a teenager in need of a home.  And yet, they should also be aware that “life behind the Christmas card” is rarely so idyllic.  Most kids touched by the state system don’t fold their sheets neatly on the sofa in the morning.  They don’t seat themselves at the dining room table while the rest of the family eats Thanksgiving dinner on TV trays.  They do remember the past, and the family from which they were torn so violently and permanently.

And yet, if the past is painful, the future for these children is truly a nightmare in the making. For every Michael Oher, there are hundreds of others who never get that hand up, never have someone to care whether they make something of themselves.  Instead they languish in children’s homes, or worse.  They become one more name on a social worker’s caseload.  If they’re lucky.

And until more families – black, white, and every other color – step forward, willing to risk loving a scared and troubled teenager out of love for Christ, the best we can hope for is that these children never make the headlines for a far more ignoble reason.

Every child deserves a family.  Every child deserves a safe and loving home.  Every child deserves to grow up with the unshakable conviction that from the moment of conception God had bigger dreams for him than the human mind can conceive.  Who will carry that message . . . to just one child?

Copyright 2009 Heidi Hess Saxton

The star of the movie, Ellen Bry, is an energetic mother of three grown children, including two sons with autism. I spoke with Ellen the day she dropped off her daughter, Hannah, at Wesleyan University for her senior year. Ellen’s son Max, 20, is in his second year at UCLA Pathways, a two-year postsecondary educational program for those with developmental disabilities, which offers a range of classes in vocational, social, and life skills. Sam, 18, is at home.

Like many children with autism, Max and Sam will never live entirely on their own, says their mother. This has required a lifetime of adjustment for the whole family. “When you are first expecting, you don’t go into motherhood thinking your child will be anything but normal and typical. And when that doesn’t happen, there is grief and anger. It has been a very different experience for all of us. Sometimes crummy … but other times extraordinary and miraculous.”

One of the greatest challenges of parenting the special-needs child is managing one’s own expectations. “There’s a kind of smugness among very bright, accomplished people, an engrained bias that being bright and accomplished is somehow being ‘better.’ When you have special-needs kids, you realize immediately that intelligence in merely another gift that you’re lucky enough to get – but not a God-given right. It’s surely as much of a fluke as being good-looking. A sharp intellect is a gift, nothing you deserve, just something you’re lucky to have. Other human qualities are more important – love, decency, compassion, goodness, and kindness. My two special-needs kids have those in abundance.” When parenting the special-needs child, love means learning to appreciate each child for who he is, rather than what he can or cannot do.

Stress and the Special-Needs Parent

Ellen doesn’t sugar-coat the difficulties of special-needs parenting; the staggering, unrelenting stress ultimately contributed to the breakdown of her marriage, increasing Ellen’s sense of isolation and loss. Being around “normal” parents was especially difficult. “It’s difficult not to feel completely estranged from a group of parents stressed about fitting in a manicure or getting dinner on the table while juggling the demands of work and soccer practice.  Parents of special needs children long to have such “fancy” problems!

One of the greatest challenges parents of special-needs children face is getting the services, including therapies and educational support, a child with disabilities requires. State agencies, insurance companies, and school administrators often seek to limit the benefits to which a child is entitled because of budget limitations.

“When you talk to your child’s school, they may tell you, ‘We have to offer your kid a free and appropriate education in the least restrictive environment. But what we can afford to offer you is a Buick, not a Cadillac.’  That’s not good enough!  As a parent, go for the Rolls Royce, so that even if you don’t end up with the Rolls, you’ll get something closer to the Cadillac.  You would like to think you’re on the same team – you are not. They are looking to save money, and they are going to see if they can cut back on the services they offer your kid. Many school systems are beginning to reduce or eliminate special education resources, and parents of kids on the autistic spectrum need to be their children’s strongest and best advocates. You can’t worry about being liked – you must do everything possible to get your child what he needs.

“You have to get over the stigma of having a special-needs child if you have some discomfort. There are a lot of special-needs children who are isolated because the parents are ashamed or uncomfortable. That doesn’t help anyone.”

One of the most important ways to do this, says Bry, is to get the support of other parents whose children are dealing with similar challenges. Ellen recommends finding a child advocate or an attorney who advocates for special-needs families, either locally or through an online resource such as the Autism Society of America or Autism Speaks.  Another great source of information is parent support groups, either in person or online.

“Acts of Love: Pioneers”

One of the ways Ellen advocates for autism awareness and research is by participating in an annual fundraiser for Autism Speaks called “Acts of Love,” through the Word Theatre. This year’s benefit, entitled “Acts of Love: Pioneers,” was held October 3, 2009 at the Eli and Edythe Broad Stage in Santa Monica, California. Ellen Bry joined celebrities Adam Arkin, Benjamin Bratt, Carla Gugino, Alfred Molina, and Lynn Whitfield to celebrate the pioneers of our age, who “strike out into the unknown to make a better future.”  Acts of Love: Pioneers is created, produced, and directed by Cedering Fox.

The money from this event directly benefits Autism Speaks, cofounded by Bob and Suzanne Wright. Autism Speaks is dedicated to the research funding, prevention, treatment, and advocacy for those who suffer with autistic spectrum disorders, including autism and Asperger’s syndrome. Autism Speaks has contributed $128 million toward autism research, treatment, and prevention.


Copyright 2009 Heidi Hess Saxton

Today Associated Press ran this poignant story of a fifteen-year-old Indonesian boy who watched his nineteen-year-old sister marry . . . and then get swept away with her groom and most of their wedding party in a horrific landslide brought on by the tsunami immediately after the reception. Their marriage lasted just seconds.

On the other end of the spectrum, you have the “mature marrieds” whose oneness is measured in decades rather than seconds.  Last week I sent notes of condolence to the wives of two such couples, one whose husband slipped away in the wee hours, the other who had been her husband’s memory for the past four years of their marriage.

Most of us are in the middle, somewhere between honeymoon bliss and Sunset Hills. We love each other not only for what we are to each other, but what we are not as well. These past few weeks, my husband’s chronic illness has been taking a terrible toll on his energy levels, and he struggles just to keep up with the demands of daily life. I love him as best I can, and those love offerings take a distinctive form: the packet of freeze-dried chocolate-chip mint ice cream I found at the Hand’s On Museum, where I took Christopher so Craig could get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. The white roses he brings me on our anniversary, knowing that I love them so much more than the crimson variety. The way I nag him to get the sacrament of anointing, so he has at his disposal all the means of healing available to him. The way he tosses the lion’s share of the coverlet over my shoulders at night before he crawls between the sheets, so I don’t get chilly (and plant my frozen size 9’s on the backs of his legs, to warm them.)

The way he doesn’t accuse me of being hysterical or morbid when I ask him to please, please, please write down the passwords and insurance information, so I don’t have to go through what my friend Shirley is going through right now, should Craig (like Bob) be called home in the middle of the night.

“As long as you both shall live…”  This is to be truly pro-life, pro-love. It’s more than a walk around an abortion clinic . . . It’s a walk along pathways that you truly cannot see more than a few feet ahead at a time. That’s what makes it a walk of faith.

Are you looking for assurances, guarantees, warrantees on your marriage?  God may be calling you to something truly courageous. Have you ever heard this Prayer of Abandonment, by Charles de Foucauld?

Father, I abandon myself into your hands;

do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.
Let only your will be done in me, and in all your creatures.
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul;
I offer it to you
with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, Lord,
and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands,
without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.

Copyright 2009 Heidi Hess Saxton

While these things are true, after seeing Pixar’s latest offering today I will add the following caveat. “Take him to go see UP.”

As an adoptive parent, I was deeply moved by the irascible Carl’s character – grieving over the loss of his beloved Ellie, he strives to carry out her wishes as best he can, in her memory. What he doesn’t count on is a little stowaway named Russell – a boy with a deep need for a father figure, someone who can show him how to be a man. What touched me so deeply about this movie was Carl’s emerging need to father, to protect and guide the boy as only another man can.

Why Carl and Ellie had no children of their own is not fully explained. Together they dreamed of babies, and even decorated the nursery. And yet, for many reproductively challenged couples, the “why” is never fully explained – and even when it is, is seldom satisfying.

Faced with the devastating loss of his wife, and the prospect of losing even the home that contains his memories, Carl shuts the world out . . . Until young Russell comes knocking, then stows away on the floating home. As the adventure progresses Carl recognizes in the boy a kindred spirit. And in their quest – an adventure marked with great personal self-sacrifice, which is the essence of true fatherhood – the pair formed an extraordinary bond.

Why do I find this movie such a compelling argument for fostering and adoption? Carl does not formally adopt Russell, whose father’s absence is never fully explained. However, in reaching out to the boy, a most remarkable transformation occurs in the man. This movie reminded me that, just as God has placed in every woman the need to mother (which each of us expresses a bit differently), so he places in every man the desire to father. Not simply to provide, as the drive to father can never be fully satisfied in acquiring things. It must be lived out in relationship with other people, and in a particular way with the next generation – whether or not they share a biological connection with those they mentor.

In my blog for adoptive, foster, and special-needs parents, the Extraordinary Moms Network, I frequently write about the natural need God places in women to nurture and protect human life, whether or not they become biological parents. “Extraordinary Moms” are (like Eucharistic ministers) women who come alongside biological mothers – sometimes for a short time, other times for a lifetime – for the sake of the child, to help her raise him to responsible adulthood. In this movie, I saw a poignant image of Extraordinary Fatherhood – a bond very different from a mother’s, but no less important.

Copyright 2009 Heidi Hess Saxton

It all happened suddenly, and blew over just as quickly. I’ve wanted to do something tangible to show my support of my kids’ school. And so, when I heard that the Boosters were in need of some fresh fund-raising ideas, I decided to run for an elected office. (Boosters is the group that raises money for the school so our kids can have little luxuries like school bleachers and pizza lunches and chess club and a tuba for the school band.)

As I had not been active on Boosters up to then, I was unaware that (a) nominations had closed a few days before and (b) it was actually the Vice President’s job I wanted. (The VP handles fundraising, the P handles committee meetings, which are not my forte.)

Naturally, I was concerned about who would take the top slot; the leader of any team needs to be positive, encouraging, motivated, creative, and people-smart. I knew the woman who was running only casually; after talking to her about her goals for Boosters I became genuinely concerned about her ability to do the job. But I figured I’d just let things sort themselves out.

They did, though not as I’d anticipated. Next thing I knew, vague insinuations were being cast about regarding “some people” (pointed looks in my direction) who were ruining the nominee’s reputation by discussing her private life in a public forum. One of them visited one of my blogs and suggested that I write an article about gossip. I fought the urge to defend myself, knowing that I hadn’t done anything wrong — but that making an issue of this would only fuel the fire. I contented myself with the thought that, as people got to know me, they would realize how ridiculous it was to accuse me of such a thing. In the meantime, there was work to do.

Proverbs 27:6 says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are profuse.” I thought about this verse a lot in the days that followed, how in the name of friendship we can come alongside someone who is struggling and either give them a hand up . . . or push them farther down. We can allow them to wallow, or urge them to detach; perpetuate the lie, or face the truth. In the name of sympathy, we can hand them the water of life, or a deadly draught. Gossip, like lust, comes in all shapes and sizes, and cuts both ways: Sometimes it is overt, malicious; other times it comes from a place of weakness and desire. More often than not, it takes on a life of its own, striking at the souls of friend and foe alike.

Lisa said it best. “Be friendly, but set the bar high for your kids and yourself. Try to be a role model for the type of positive, uplifting person you hope your children will become.” Stay out of the snake pit. Keep busy. Stay focused. Work hard. Seek truth. As the school year winds down, and we enter the familiar rhythms of summer, may God help us to grow strong in virtue, so that in the coming months we might model for our children true Christian friendship – faithful, compassionate, and real.

Copyright 2009 Heidi Hess Saxton

So … what does a foster family look like? Most aren’t rich in the financial sense. Some excellent foster parents open their hearts to a child long before they find a spouse. (Here in Ann Arbor, the sisters of Servants of God’s Love have fostered children for years.) You don’t have to own your own home, or even be at home full-time. (On the other hand, troubled children greatly benefit from the love and attention a SAHM can provide.)

So … what does the “gift of fostering” look like?  You might be a great foster parent if …

• You genuinely like being around other people’s children, and they like being around you.
• You instinctively look for ways to help other people – adults and children alike.
• You notice when your child’s classmate doesn’t have a warm jacket … and find one for him.
• You’re good at bringing order out of chaos, but don’t mind a little “happy mess.”
• You have a WYSIWYG philosophy of life: honest, straightforward, and generally kind.
• You‘re a natural (and patient) teacher, capable of giving a lesson again and again.
• You have a “second sense” about children, and can figure out what they need when they can’t tell you themselves.
• You like cuddling, hugs, and dandelion bouquets.
• You make friends for life, even when you don’t see them every day.
• You are a resourceful person, and aren’t too proud to ask for help when you need it.
• You would like to add to your family, but aren’t sure you want another pregnancy.
• Most important: You believe in the power of love to change lives.

Some people hesitate to get involved because they aren’t sure they can bear the thought of getting attached, then having a child leave again. In reality, nearly 60% of foster children never go home, and there are more than 25,000 children who need permanent homes. Most of these children are over four years of age (the median age is eight) – younger children are often a part of a sibling group, have special needs, or are biracial.

However, many foster parents find that the children who enter their lives even for a brief time touch them so deeply, they are better off for having known them for even a short time. For a touching account of one such family’s experience, pick up a copy of “Paper Sack Kids.”

Do you live in the Ann Arbor, Michigan area? Join Heidi Saxton at St. Andrew Parish in Saline on April 28 at 9:45 a.m. for an “adoption fair.” After Heidi’s talk, representatives from local foster and adoption agencies will be on hand to answer any questions you may have about adoption and foster care. For more information, contact Heidi at hsaxton@christianword.com.

This, I tell you, is one of my very favorite parts of parenting. “Looks like SOMEBODY needs his Love Banks checked,” I say.

“Yep,” he grumps, a tiny flicker of a smile twitching at the corner of his mouth.  So we settle ourselves comfortably (he’s getting a little too big for my lap, but we manage somehow) and I solemnly feel the bottom of his foot, right along the instep. “Hmmm… the Hug Bank feels a little low … What do you think?” I murmur.

“Yep,” he glumps again. We wrap our arms around each other …. “MMMM!”

“Check it again, Mom. Does it feel full now?”

Gently I probe again. “Well… maybe another little one. What do you think?”

“Yep.”

“MMMMMMMMMMM!”

“Okay, now the Kiss Bank,” he reminds me. We specialize in kisses at the Saxton House. Butterflies and Piggies, Eskimos and Fairy Dust (blow on the hairline before planting it gently on the widow’s peak). If someone is REALLY ornery, we bestow the dreaded “Puppy Kiss.” Maddy is only too happy to oblige.

“Now the Tickle Bank.”  This time I probe the ball of his foot, right beneath the toes. He squirms and giggles.

“Nope. Empty!  RAUGHHHHHHH!”  Fingers fly – gently and with restraint – up the back and behind the knees, finishing with a thorough foot treatment.  It lasts a couple of seconds, but the smile from a good tickle can last all day.

“Don’t forget, Mom … the Rub Bank.”  My son keeps his hair short because he likes it when I rustle it up. When he was really little I would sit by the side of his bed and rub his head gently to put him to sleep, and even now – a Big Boy of Nine – he needs that soothing.

Affection and the Adopted (or Foster) Child

I’ve heard it said more than once that adoption is a life-long experience, not a one-time occurrence.  The feelings of loss and grief continue, sometimes more actively than others, and it is up to the parent to figure out how to meet the needs of that child.

Children with attachment or bonding issues may not respond positively to such prolonged or intense cuddling … We had to start slowly and build up gradually. On the other hand, the human body craves positive touch and affection, and so as parents we need to find ways to meet the very real needs of our kids in ways that feel safe and nurturing to them.

A shoulder squeeze as you pass by … a gentle back rub at story time … feeding someone their favorite snack, one piece at a time … even the rough-and-tumble physicality of “Daddy Monster” or touch football. Children who have been abused physically or sexually may have boundary issues requiring extra sensitivity and restraint. But finding ways to say, “I love you” or even “I’m glad you’re a part of our family!” are a critical part of helping your child build a healthy sense of self … and demonstrate more powerfully than words ever could the reality of the Heavenly Father who loves them most of all.

Are You Getting Your “Daily Seven”?

Just as our children have emotional needs that can only be met by physical touch, so do we. “Significant touching” – the squeeze of a hand, a pat on the back, a hug – is something we all need every day. (Some say the ideal number is seven touches a day, others put the count much higher.)

If you find yourself getting aggravated by your kids, then, the best solution might not be to hole yourself up in the bedroom to punch a pillow. Instead, you might consider getting down on the floor with your brood for a family cuddle, or maybe even a (gentle) pillow fight!

As parents, we sometimes get so caught up in the dailyness of family life – the appointments, the chores, the schedules, the lists – that we forget to enjoy one another. During the season of Lent, as we are looking for ways to simplify, let’s remember to lavish our time on the only thing that will last forever … the bond we have with our families.

Now … go and fill those Love Banks! You’ll be glad you did.

Copyright 2009 Heidi Hess Saxton

Today is “Autism Sunday” (February 8), and as I was surfing some sites on this condition I came across a list of movies on autism.com that portray this condition, most with a degree of empathy.

Seeing I Am Sam listed here made me realize just how complex – and how incredibly frustrating – the condition must be, both for the afflicted and their loved ones. Whereas in Rain Man the afflicted character (Raymond Babbit, played by Dustin Hoffman) could count cards and multiply multiple digit numbers, he would go ballistic if touched. Sam, by contrast could scarcely read and had the intellectual capacity of a seven-year-old – but he clearly adores his daughter, holding her and tending to her needs. (Asking her father why he’s “different” than the other daddies, Lucy brushes off his apologies with, “I’m lucky … none of the other daddies come to the playground.”)

In The Other Sister, the character portrayed by Juliette Lewis takes computer classes, has her own apartment, and even gets married; in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (another of my favorite flicks), Arnie requires constant supervision to keep him from climbing water towers and dying of hypothermia in his own bathtub. In Little Man Tate, the boy Fred displays characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome – with breathtaking intellectual capacity, he clearly longs for friendships but lacks the capacity for true emotional bonds – even with his mother.

It is this emotional detachment that must be most difficult for family members, experiencing the prolonged dependence of a child without the natural bond that goes with it. Those with children who have ODD can also relate to this, as can foster and adoptive parents of traumatized children. We yearn for the closeness – the hugs and kisses – but know that for the foreseeable future these gestures (if we can give them at all) are likely to be entirely one-sided.  Even so, we continue to love … as parents, it’s what we do. We try to find and celebrate the small victories: the spontaneous pictures, the humor, the quiet companionship of a child who is content just to have you near.

Today we remember all those touched by autism and Asperger’s syndrome. May you find joy in the journey, and grace all along the way.

Copyright 2009 Heidi Hess Saxton

In at least one of these cases, the woman has endured years of selfishness and immaturity, supporting her family herself as her husband found one excuse after another to abdicate his financial responsibilities to his family. And in at least one of these cases, a child she brought into the union endured physical and emotional abuse at the hands of his stepfather. Before they married, he said all the right things. After the wedding, the truth emerged with alarming clarity.

When a single mother chooses a potential marriage partner, one of the most difficult — and most crucial — considerations is not what the guy looks like in a snug pair of jeans, how fat his bank account, or whether he can make her eyes roll to the back of her head in bed (after they are married, of course). None of these things are nearly as important as this: How will he treat her child?

My sister Kathy, who counsels survivors of domestic violence, has experienced both sides of this. Her abusive first husband taught her the importance of choosing a marriage partner slowly and carefully. Thank God, the second time she got it right: Ken is a loving, gentle, patient man and a hard worker who loves Kathy and her daughter equally … and when they finally married, he pledged himself to them both.

“Marry in haste, repent at leisure,” the old saying goes. Heaven knows how tempting it can be to plunge ahead and make a permanent commitment when the stars are shining in those days of wine and roses. He looks good, smells great, says all the right things … Day and night, you dream of your rosy future with this, your Prince Charming.

But if you have a child, you need to stop. Seriously. Even if you are living at home and can’t wait to get out. Even if you are struggling to make ends meet, financially speaking. Even if you really, truly believe that God has brought the two of you together. My grandmother used to call this “seasoning” a man — seeing him through all four seasons of the year before making a permanent commitment.

The first step, of course, is making sure you are ready for marriage. Have you “unpacked your baggage” and worked through the issues of your past relationships? Are you in a healthy place, capable of making good dating choices? If you’re Catholic and were married in the Church, have you obtained an annulment? I recently read a book entitled Divorced. Catholic. Now What? by Lisa Duffy that provides excellent advice for navigating the aftermath of divorce with your soul intact. I highly recommend it.
Questions to Ask Before You Say “Yes!”

Relax. Take your time. If your friend is indeed “Mr. Right,” he’ll understand your caution. You aren’t thinking just of yourself — you need to decide what is best for your child. Because that’s what mothers do. So … you need to consider carefully, over time and with the help of close friends and family (who can help you maintain objectivity), whether your potential mate is a prince … or a toad. To get you started, here are a few questions to ask yourself:

* Is this man pressuring you for premature physical intimacy, or asking you to compromise your moral values in other areas? (If so, he may not have the self-control or moral fiber to be a good father.)

* Does he have obvious anger, entitlement, or control issues? Is he charming and persuasive one moment, but critical and demeaning the moment you say or do something he doesn’t like? (If so, he may be a potential abuser, even if he never hits you.)

* Does your child seek out this person’s company, or does s/he “disappear” (keeping physically or emotionally distant) the moment your friend shows up? (Children are highly intuitive creatures, and may pick up on signals you overlook.)

* How does this man act around your friends and family? Does he avoid them whenever possible and does he resent the time you spend with them? Or does he try too hard to get them to like him, exaggerating his accomplishments or flaunting his possessions? Or does he seem to “fit” (after he warms up to them a bit)?

* Does he remind you how lucky you are that he picked you, or how difficult it would be for you to find a mate if things don’t work out between the two of you? (This is a RED FLAG! RUN!!!)

* Do you ever feel that the relationship is “imbalanced” — or that you have to give up an important part of yourself to make it work? (Some adjustment is needed in every relationship, but the key is mutual support and respect.)

* If the child’s father is still in the picture, does your friend support your efforts to let your child have a relationship with his father? Or does he resent the man’s existence (and does this portend how he is going to feel about your child down the line)?

* If the child’s father is no longer in the picture, is your friend willing to father your child? Does he express an interest in adopting your child? Have you met his parents, and do they welcome the prospect of becoming your child’s grandparents … And if not, how does your friend feel about this? Does he make excuses for them … Or encourage them to build a relationship with the child?

* Have you talked about your finances, and does he include your child in his long-term financial planning (college fund, wedding fund, retirement planning, etc.)?

* Do you feel you can trust him to make good choices for you and your child, and that his heart is big enough to accommodate you both — even if no other children enter the picture?

If you are not sure about the answer to any of these questions, it’s better to wait until you have an answer than to rush ahead. Take all the time you need. Your child is worth it … and so are you!

Copyright 2009 Heidi Hess Saxton

Now that the election is over, one of the most chilling prospects of the future administration is the president-elect’s determination to sign the “Freedom of Choice Act” (FOCA). The implications of this – both financial and moral – are staggering, for it means our tax dollars may be used to snuff out the lives of millions of children. To be truly pro-life, then, is to seek ways to ensure that the need for abortion is eliminated, as far as we are able to do this.

Adoption gives those in crisis pregnancies an abortion alternative that saves the life of the child and relieves them of the unwanted responsibility of parenthood. Adoption also provides an opportunity for couples to have a child they might otherwise never have, and for the child to have a “forever family” that will love him or her for life.

With foster-adoption, children who have already been born – often to parents with such serious issues that the children may have been better off had the “adoption option” been chosen from the beginning – are given a second chance. Sadly, many of these children – especially those who are part of sibling group, have special needs, or are “older” (four or more) must wait months and even years for a loving, permanent home. There are simply not enough suitable families willing to open their hearts this way.

The situation would be dire enough … Now grass roots, anti-adoption advocacy groups such as “Bastard Nation” and  “Adoption: Legalized Ties” are seeking to discourage adoption, choosing rather to advocate for disgruntled adult adoptees and “natural parents,” including those whose children were taken from them because of abuse and neglect.

Anti-Adoption Advocates: Biased “Truth”

The dynamic of adoption is often described as a “triad,” with 3 sides representing the birth (or first) parents, adoptive parents, and adopted child. By and large, anti-adoption groups have vilified both adoptive parents and the agencies that mediate the placements.

Recently, however, the attack has expanded to birth parents as well: Under the “Unsealed Initiative,” adult adoptees and others are lobbying government agencies in New York and other states (successfully, in Toronto) to release sealed birth records in order to gain access to the identities of birth parents who may not desire contact, and who were promised anonymity upon relinquishment. In the minds of the adult adoptees, the “best interest of the child” trumps all – when in fact the “child” is no longer a child, but an adult whose “right to know” is no more important than the other party’s right to privacy.

This growing trend is even more alarming, given the unabashed pro-abortion stance of the Obama administration. Women in crisis pregnancies who are considering adoption may have second thoughts when faced with the very real possibility that their “past” may come knocking on their door twenty or thirty years hence, disrupting their lives with demands and recriminations. Unless the records are truly sealed with a “suite lock” – one that can be opened only by mutual consent – the real danger is that these “unwanted” children will simply be aborted.

Catholic Anti-Adoption Advocates

Recently I was appalled to discover that these “anti-adoption advocates” are making inroads even in Catholic publications. Last September the National Catholic Register ran this article (accessed through my EMN blog) by self-professed “anti-adoption advocate” Melinda Selmys, who writes about encountering teenage adoptees who were acting out – though the adoptive parents were “kind and loving people.”

Rather than consider the real possibility that the teens had been damaged by circumstances that led up to the adoption, or that adoption may indeed have been their best chance at a bright future, or that these kids were just like others teens who have difficulties making the transition into adulthood, Selmys concludes that the adoption itself was the true source of the problem. She writes:

The child … is not a tabula rasa on which anyone — parents, teachers, social workers, engineers of brave new worlds — can inscribe their glowing hopes for the future. … The child is created in the image and likeness of God, but it is also in the image and likeness of its parents. The people who hope to see evil eradicated from the world through increasing government intervention in the lives of children are going to be sorely disappointed. Children do not inherit their faults and failings merely by watching and imitating mom and dad. They inherit them on a much deeper level.

Healing the Wounded Heart

Now, much of what Ms. Selmys says sounds reasonable. Foster and adoptive parents are well aware that our children have challenges and issues originating with their “first families” – behavioral, mental, emotional, and medical among them. Sometimes it’s genetic. Other times challenges come from the child’s pre-adoptive environment. Not a blank slate … a heart wounded by bad choices and negative impulses of broken people.

It is also true that no adoptive environment is “perfect” – just as no parent is perfect. Ideally, children thrive best when they are raised by their natural parents, joined for life in the sacrament of matrimony. Sadly, as a society we have fallen woefully short of this ideal, and the only question that remains is how to mitigate the damage inflicted on innocent young lives.

There are situations in which adoption is truly the best (though not perfect) choice: Children born to young teens (especially those who have neither the inner resources nor long-term support system necessary to parent); children of parents with unresolved substance abuse or domestic violence issues; and children of abusive and neglectful parents. In each of these cases, little wounded hearts heal best when they are no longer in close proximity to the source of the pain. Sadly, this can mean removing children from birth parents voluntarily or (when parents demonstrate neither the willingness nor the inclination to fix their own messes and put the children’s needs first) involuntarily.

Adoption gives children wounded by the choices of their first parents a second chance to heal. Granted, it does not completely shield the child from the consequences of her first parents’ choices. There is no way to shield the child entirely – that is the nature of sin. On the other hand, pressuring unwed teenage mothers (and other at-risk mothers) to keep their babies even when they are demonstrably not capable of parenting produces more difficulties than it resolves – down the line, when adoption is no longer a viable option.

Adoption, the “Pro-Life” Option

The sad reality is that the older the child, the smaller the pool of potential adoptive parents. In the U.S. today, more than 500,000 children are in need of temporary or permanent homes … the vast majority are part of larger sibling groups, special needs, or “older” (age four or more).

Because the pain of adoption is real, the adoption choice represents true self-sacrifice on all sides of the adoption triad: Birth parents put the best interests of the child ahead of their own needs, adoptive parents agree to invest themselves entirely in a young life they did not bring into the world. The child may also suffer in ways they cannot fully understand until they are much older – and may have difficulties accepting even then. And yet, when the choice is literally life and death, this kind of self-sacrifice is the pathway to hope … if we allow it.

Will these mothers come to regret their choice? Undoubtedly there will be times when they will wonder if they could have chosen differently. They may yearn to re-establish contact with that child – and should be able to leave the door open for this, should the child (ideally, with the blessings of the adoptive parent) seek her out. But as with many significant choices in life, once the choice is made we cannot see clearly “the road not taken”; because of the unknown variables that stem from that choice, it is illusory at best. We can only learn from our choices, and move on.

On the other hand, through adoption (even open adoption, in which the birth parents maintain a level of contact after the placement), a child is helped to make the most of their own natural giftings and eradicate the worst of their natural weaknesses. The birth parent is then able to tend to his or her needs without inflicting even greater damage on the innocent. And the adoptive parents are presented with an opportunity to invest their lives in a way that produces rich spiritual fruit in the life of parent and child alike.

In Search of the “Phantom Parent”

Books such as The Adoption Mystique, by anti-adoption advocate Joanne Wolf Small, MSW, remind us that some children never completely recover from the losses of adoption – no matter how much love and attention they are given. The sense of abandonment can run deep, and visions of “real” mom and dad can tantalize even the most outwardly accommodating child – especially those in the throes of adolescence and into young adulthood, when the natural desire to separate from Mom and Dad is most powerful, and the quest for identity strongest.

While the release of some information – such as medical histories – has objective value, and could be released without depriving the first parents of their right to privacy, it is imperative that the concerns of all three sides of the adoption triad be given equal weight. Birth parents have the right to remain anonymous (unless they choose to relinquish that right); adoptive parents have the right to raise their child without undue interference; the adopted child has the right to a safe and nurturing environment. The adult adopted child has the rights of any adult – but not access to the confidential records of other private citizens.

In the section entitled “Anti-Adoption Media Bias,” Ms. Small offers a revealing quote from “The San Francisco Examiner” (1999, February 22):

“Anguish is everywhere in the adoption equation …. The birth mother … adoptive parents …. Adopted children haunted by phantom birth parents who, they may feel “abandoned” them – beings … they cannot know. Phantom limbs on the family tree (par 10).

At age eleven, my younger sister experienced phantom pains when her leg was amputated. The nerves at the amputation site, which connected the missing leg to the brain, did not immediately die. And yet, Chris did not to let the amputation define her or limit her in any way, and in time these pains diminished. She became first a cheerleader, then a wife and mother. If she had chosen to concentrate on the pain – instead of healing – she would be a very different person today.

I realized just how complete the healing had been when, a few years ago, an over-zealous “street healer” offered to pray for her leg to grow back and she refused. “When I get to heaven, I’m going to get my leg back – and you better believe I’m looking forward to that. But right now, for whatever reason, this is God’s plan for me, and I’m going to accept it. I’m not going to feel sorry for myself – I’m going to live.”

Wise words that can be applied to many situations – including adoption. The “phantom pain” of adoption must be acknowledged – and yet, reunification may not always be possible or even desirable. The adopted child must recognize the reality of the adoption triad; each part of the triangle of birth parent/adoptive parent/adopted child has both rights and responsibilities, some of which cannot be assumed by the child until he or she becomes an adult.

It is in adulthood that many children – adopted and biological alike – discover something essential to their future happiness: Some things in life are chosen for us by the adults in our lives, based on the information at hand, which have both positive and negative repercussions. If we continue to blame our parents for those choices, we remain in a state of “arrested adolescence” and keep ourselves from realizing our God-given potential. This is true of adult children of adoption – and of many other children, too.

We cannot change history; we can only acknowledge and learn from it, grieve our losses, forgive those who have hurt us … and move forward. The loss adopted children experience is real – just as my sister’s loss was real, and she had to work through those feelings, the loss was necessary if she was to survive. This is the story of adoption: a story of painful choices made in the present, in order to secure a better future.

What I found most interesting is that there were very few distinctively Catholic resources to add to the list, although there were some with a broadly Christian perspective. Apart from a book in the works by Dr. Ray Guarendi that is scheduled to come out (with OSV, I believe) in 2009, I found only one other book – at Pauline Books and Media – on adoption. Unfortunately, it had recently gone out of print. (Guess I really do need to write my own!)

For general resources, one site I found particularly valuable is “Tapestry Books”. This site offers an extensive selection for all kind of adoptive families, including behavioral difficulties that may surface after the adoption is complete.  Another great resource for moms of adoptive and foster children is the website for “Adoptive Families” magazine. Again, these resources are generally not written from a Catholic perspective.

In my list at “Mommy Monsters,” I’ve included a special section for foster kids. These kids have a unique set of genetic and environmental challenges to overcome; while their parents can and should avail themselves of regular parenting resources, they need a special “tool bag” with kid-friendly resources to help them (even temporarily) help their kids. Books such as the How Do Dinosaurs… series, by Jane Yolan, give foster parents and parents of special-needs kids an opportunity to introduce kids to important social concepts in an indirect, non-critical way.

Finally, I included several books for foster parents that may help them to better understand the world their children came from. Children whose parents had substance abuse issues may benefit from Beautiful Boy, by David Scheff. Parents of children with a history of abuse or neglect may benefit from Silent Prisoner, the true story of a girl who emerged intact from countless cycles of abuse, neglect, and violence. For the same reason, stories such as A Child Named It can help parents better understand some of the challenges that face children who come out of the foster system.

For more information and a complete (for now) list of books, click here. I will update the list from time to time – if you come across a book that belongs on the list, please drop me a line.

Last but not least, this month at “EMN” I’m offering a free CD of Lorraine Hartsook’s “Bring This Child to Me” (a beautiful song about adoption) to the first fifty moms who send me a link to their site (displaying the EMN button) and physical address. If you would like to receive my newsletter and/or would like to help me promote this online resource for parents of extraordinary kids, please drop me a line today at heidi.hess.saxton@gmail.com. Thanks … and God bless you!

This mother, who had two biological children and who suffered from depression, dropped little Nicoli on his head, and he died of a skull fracture. Additional details may be found here.

When the Bow Breaks…

When I read this story, it breaks my heart. Little Nicoli deserved to grow up in a safe and loving home; so do his siblings. Clearly, this mother was struggling to maintain mental health when the two boys were placed with the family; it is tragic that (for whatever reason) she was not dissuaded from taking on more than she could handle.

In a sense, people are a bit like machines: If the demands consistently exceed system limitations, something is going to break down.

And something did.

Last week on Catholic Exchange, a woman commented that she had attempted to become licensed in the state of New Jersey as a foster mother, but was denied because she has a history of depression. Now, there are times when the symptoms of chronic depression can be managed, so the patient can lead a normal life. Shortly after we got our kids, I went on medication to help fight symptoms of depression – and in my case, as I came to terms with the root causes, the problem went away.

My depression was caused by a combination of heredity, stress and resentment. I was overwhelmed by the demands of parenting three traumatized children, and angry that I was not getting more help from those around me. Anxiety increased as we were kept in limbo for three years before the adoption was finalized. But in the end I had to release my anger, which was depleting my energy stores, and take better care of myself – and that included managing my own expectations.

Even mothers who are not clinically depressed sometimes feel overwhelmed with the challenges of parenting. This article offers practical advice on finding the release valve to cope with even the ordinary stressors of parenting.

Heeding the Signs of Chronic Depression

Should those who suffer from depression avoid becoming adoptive or foster parents? It depends a great deal on the individual. Not all depression is readily treated, and some suffer with depression all their lives. When one spouse has a history of depression, a couple is wise to seek help in discerning whether foster care or adoption is something God is asking them to do. Ideally, the decision process should include both the depressed patient’s doctor and pastor. While there are many children in need of homes, it is also true that our first responsibility needs to be our own “garden.”

When God creates us, He gives us certain gifts … and He entrusts to us certain burdens, which are intended to stretch us and strengthen us, making us fit for heaven. If we take up someone else’s burden, a burden God never intended us to bear, we may break. In my case, God had wanted me to take care of those children – but He never intended me to carry around the anger and anxiety. Only when I offered those back to him, as best as I was able to, did the burden lift.

If your determination to become a parent causes you to run ahead of God, and take on burdens that were not intended for you, you may also find yourself struggling. At such times, we may find help in the words of the old hymn…

What a friend we have in Jesus

All our sins and griefs to bear

What a privilege to carry

Everything to God in prayer!

Oh, what peace we often forfeit

Oh, what needless pain we bear.

All because we do not carry

Everything to God in prayer.

Today, please pray with me for Kimberly Emelyantsev and her family, and for the repose of the soul of little Nicoli. May his parents find peace, and may their children always know the loving security of a real family.