Here are 10 practical things you can do to stop (or prevent) your child from being bullied!

1. Listen to what your child has to say. Being a good listener is an important piece of your role when your child is being bullied. One of the best questions you can ask your child is, “What can I do to be helpful?” When your child tells you what’s going on at school, as much as it hurts to listen, be open and able to hear what he has to say. Try to be supportive but neutral when he’s talking. When you react too strongly to what your child is saying, he might stop talking because he’s afraid he’s going to upset you.

2. Don’t blame your child. Don’t put the responsibility for the bullying on him or try to find a reason for it; there is no good reason or excuse for what’s happening. If your child is being bullied, he is the victim, so trying to find a reason for why he’s “bringing it on himself” really isn’t helpful. Never blame your child because it makes him anxious and reduces what he’s going to tell you. Your goal is that he continues to communicate what’s going on.

3. If you were bullied as a child, try not to personalize what is happening. If you were bullied when you were younger, the same situation with your child will most likely bring up painful memories. It’s okay to connect with your child about how it feels to be bullied, but don’t take the problem on as if it’s yours alone. I think the most important thing to do when your child is bullied is to remember the responses you received from others that were—or weren’t—helpful. Use what worked and avoid doing what was unsupportive or hurtful.

4. Don’t retaliate against the bully or his family. As tempting as it might be to take matters into your own hands and retaliate against the bully or his family, don’t do it. This is where you have to set some examples for your child on how to problem solve. It’s very difficult to hear that your child is being threatened; of course you want to immediately stop the hurt. But remember, retaliating won’t help your child solve the problem or feel better about himself. Instead, take a deep breath and think about what you can do to help your child handle what he’s facing.

5. Coach your child on how to react. Bullies tend to pick on people who they can get a reaction from; they choose kids who get upset and who take the teasing to heart. They also look for kids who won’t stand up for themselves, or who they can overpower. It’s important to teach your child how to react. We coached our son on how to avoid bullies at school and who to go to if he felt unsafe. We also did role plays together where we practiced not reacting to what the bullies said. Another part of what we did was set it up so that our son had some control over what was going on. He couldn’t stop the bullying right away, but he could get himself away from it and he could find someone to talk to about it.

6. Find a teacher or administrator at your child’s school who will help. Remember, it is the school’s responsibility to stop bullying; I think most take that seriously. The saving grace for our son was the guidance counselor at his school. She provided a safe place for our son to go when he was being picked on. The guidance counselor wanted him to feel like he had some control over the situation, so our child was the one taking the initiative to talk with her. (While we didn’t openly discuss this with him, he knew at some level that we were also talking to the guidance counselor.) We felt it was important for our child to have some sense of taking this problem on and solving it by going to the guidance counselor on his own.

After he started talking with her, she let him know that he could just sit in her office, even if she wasn’t there; the school allowed him to basically take a time out or break to get away from the bullying situation. Again, that gave him some control over what was going on. It gave him a source of support and made him feel like he wasn’t powerless. By talking to the guidance counselor and using his pass to go to her office, it showed him that there were some solutions to the situation.

It’s also important to make sure your child keeps talking—whether it’s with you, a guidance counselor or a trusted teacher, it’s important that he keeps communicating about what’s going on.

7. Take your child’s side. When our son was being bullied, we constantly reaffirmed that there were things he could do to handle the situation, and that he was in fact doing them. We let him know that we were going to get him help and that we loved him and we were going to support him. We also said that there was no excuse for what was happening to him. Make sure to let your child know that you’re on his side; he needs to understand that you don’t blame him and that you will support him.

We also let our child know that if he retaliated against the group, by swearing back or even fighting, that we wouldn’t punish him at home. Our son was bullied physically and verbally, and we told him that he could do what he needed to do to protect himself. We told him that he would still have consequences at school for any misbehavior because that would be against the rules, but we didn’t add to them at home.

8. Get support. Be sure to talk to your spouse or to supportive family or friends. Sometimes I would burst out crying after hearing about what had happened to our son. There were definitely times when James and I got angry. I think the bottom line is that this situation can really bring out emotions from parents.

We found that we needed to talk with each other about this as a couple because it was so hurtful, and because we wanted to be clear in how we communicated to our son. I recommend that single parents reach out to somebody—a family member, friend, or someone at the school—anyone who can help you help your child. We reached out to friends and colleagues as well, and asked how they handled it when it happened to their kids. If nothing else, it helped us feel like we weren’t alone and that there wasn’t anything wrong with our child.

9. Teach your child to name what’s happening. For younger kids, it’s important to be able to name what’s happening as “bullying.” For a child who’s feeling picked on, it’s empowering to be able to really name it. They’re teaching a lot about bullying prevention in school these days and “bully” is such a negative word that it’s good for your child to be able to attach it to the behavior. This is truly empowering for many children and can work with older kids, as well.

10. Find something your child is really good at doing. Help your child feel good about himself by finding something he can do well. Choose some activities he’s good at and reinforce it verbally. Our son got involved in swimming and it was very helpful for his self–esteem.

Thanks, Lori, for such good advice!



Copyright 2010 Heidi Hess Saxton

Heaven’s Song,

If the Song of Songs reveals the ecstasy of becoming one flesh, the marriage of Tobias and Sarah reveals the agony. Only by holding the two together do we get a realistic vision of marriage.

Catholic writer Melinda Selmys brought this point out well in an article entitled “Divorce: In the Image and Likeness of Hell” (National Catholic Register, 9/30/07). … “The theologians remind us that our married life is an image of the union between Christ [and the Church]. We hear of … the bliss of two becoming one …. But how are you to fall in love again with an insensitive beast who has broken your heart and slept with another woman? How can you see your sex life as an image of the intimate life of the Blessed Trinity when your wife consents only on a full moon when Mars is in Virgo, and makes love with the enthusiasm of a dead frog?”

For whatever reason, such brutally honest writing seems rare in much of the Catholic press. It is as if those who promote Catholic teaching are afraid it will not go over so well if we talk about the real sufferings of following Jesus. So we conveniently promote the glories of the Christian life without a realistic assessment of the sorrows (Heaven’s Song p.143).

Now, some of you reading this may be cringing, wondering where on earth I’m going with this.  No, Craig has never cheated on me (he says he can barely handle one woman … what on earth would he do with another one?).  And he assures me that I do not bear the tiniest resemblance to a dead amphibian. No, the specific examples Selmys offers aren’t directly relevant to me . . . but the underlying message is important.  Marriage can be hard. There’s really no getting around it; you just have to get through it.

No matter how much you love the man you married, there are going to be times when you cast a wistful glance to the other side of the bed, and wonder how the chasm between your pillows has grown so incredibly wide.  Wonder how the nightly dramas of family life have so encroached on marital bliss that you can barely span the distance with your outstretched hands.

Can you relate to this?  If not — if your life is so flowing with marital bliss, you can’t imagine greater happiness in this lifetime – you’re excused from reading any further.

But if a tiny part of you can relate to this kind of loneliness, this kind of sorrow, take heart.  Bridal joy need not be the stuff of memories.  But sometimes the only way to catch the sweetest strains of heaven’s song is to walk through that valley of shadows.

Marriage isn’t always “happily ever after.” Sometimes it’s, “Faithful even when.” For it is especially at these times of white-knuckled trusting that we are best able to mirror – to ourselves and to the world around us – the kind of no-holds-barred, sacrificial kind of love Christ has for us.

In the story of Tobias and Sarah, a courageous young man accepts the hand of a beautiful girl who had already been widowed seven times on her wedding night.  Talk about baggage.  To be joined to her would have been such certain death that on their wedding night, his father-in-law was digging Tobias’ grave before the wedding feast was over.

Most of us enter marriage with our own custom set of personal baggage, which out of sheer love our spouses learn to navigate (for better or worse), just as we learn to manage theirs.  In most cases, that baggage isn’t quite as lethal as Sarah’s … On the other hand, it can be just as deadly to the union if we don’t recognize it for what it is, and resolve to do whatever is necessary to get the healing we need.  And most often, this requires three kinds of ongoing choices:

The choice to let go. The expectations brought into marriage can provide a useful pattern for the future … or a trap of ongoing negativity and strife.  For example, I grew up in a home where my father was home for dinner every night, and worked around the house every weekend.  Neither of these things has been possible for Craig, who works long hours just to keep up with the demands of his job.  And so, I had to manage my expectations:  I could continue to harp at what he is unable to do for us, or appreciate what he does provide, and find ways to connect with my husband in ways that worked for us.

The choice to “cleave.” In and out of the bedroom, the choice to hold on to one another, loving and caring for one another as husband and wife can be obscured by all kinds of things.  Health or other necessity may make physical intimacy difficult or impossible.  And yet protecting that “shining barrier” of love (as memorably captured in Sheldon Vanauken’s work A Severe Mercy) is crucial, even when it is not exactly the stuff of fairy tales.  When shadowy demons of separateness prowl, in the story of Tobias and Sarah, we rediscover the antidote:  deep, intimate, prayerful, thankful togetherness.

The choice to forgive. It always boils down to this, doesn’t it?  Forgiving each other. Forgiving ourselves for our own failures.  Sometimes even forgiving God for not keeping us out of harm’s way.  (Imagine Sarah’s mental state from enduring the pain and isolation of seven dead grooms.)  The oil of forgiveness is the healing balm that washes away the dirt and debris, so the woundedness can begin to heal.

Of course. You knew that, didn’t you?  An article in a Catholic forum about marriage has to include the necessity of forgiveness within our most intimate relationship.  And yet, I was recently reminded of the importance of not carrying past grievances into marriage (this kind of baggage can do real harm within our vocation) and how the graces of marriage can also do a great deal to heal past woundedness.

The other day Craig got uncharacteristically angry because I was less than supportive of his piano practice.  My “constructive suggestions” for improving his piano technique fell on deaf ears. All he heard was the sound track of his own childhood, when his dreams of learning a musical instrument were dashed by the critical remarks of family members who told him he had no talent, and should stop.

Intellectually, he understands why unproductive practice time is painful for me to listen to.  But his heart needed me to re-record that inner soundtrack, to replace criticism with encouragement so he could practice from a place of confidence and strength.

Choosing to relinquish, to cleave, and to forgive.  Embracing the crosses and hardships so something better and stronger and life-giving can result.  Through it all, God can be trusted to guide us toward something infinitely better than a fairy tale – something more tangible, real . . . and everlasting.

“Blessed are you, O God of our fathers,” we pray with Tobias and Sarah. “Blessed be your holy and glorious name forever. Let the heavens and the whole creation bless you. You made Adam and gave him Eve his wife as a helper and support. From them the race of mankind has sprung.

“Lord, we believe you have given us to each other for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish.  Help us to love not in our own strength, but with all the graces you have for your Bride.  Confident in these graces, we will take up with courage even our crosses and follow you with all our hearts.  In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen!”

Copyright 2010 Heidi Hess Saxton

“How many times do I have to TELL you?” she shouted. “When are you going to LISTEN to me? It’s my job to take care of you, and it’s your job to listen – and if you won’t listen, you make my job very difficult!”

Christopher didn’t even look up.  He just kept drawing.

It would have been funny . . . if I hadn’t made the exact same little speech just that morning.  Same intonation.  Same volume.  And, regrettably, the same results.

Somewhere along the line, I confess, I’ve been bitten by the “nag bug”: the unfortunate tendency to remind those I love – over, and over, and over again – whenever they engage in behaviors or say things that are not conducive to happy family life.  As I’m sure you can imagine, this kind of “constructive criticism” is not the most effective behavior modification tool.  Frankly, more often than not it just starts an even greater conflict.

So, what’s the alternative?

One of the things I love most about my kids’ school is their emphasis on “global virtues” – moral qualities valued by civilized nations and cultures around the world:  integrity, honesty, compassion, perseverance, gratitude, kindness, wisdom, gratitude, and self-control.  These virtues, infused with high academic ideals, are the winning combination that turn today’s children into tomorrow’s leaders.

Because parents are the first and most important teachers of our own kids, we need to model the same values in family life that they are learning in school – children can learn only so much in the classroom.  But what do these virtues look like in the “real world,” especially in family life?  Perhaps just as importantly, what are the little “short cuts” and habits that encroach on everyday family life that are good to eliminate (for the same reason)?  Over the next few weeks, I hope to look at one of these virtues in each of my upcoming columns. Stay tuned!

Back to Chez Saxton.  Later that night, my husband strolled in the door long after the children were in bed.  Now, Craig and I don’t agree – have never agreed – on what constitutes a “normal” workday.  I happen to believe that consistently working 12-14 hours a day, seven days a week, make it impossible to maintain anything approaching a healthy quality of life.  Craig, on the other hand, has worked all his life for a family business, where the line between personal life and business is routinely obliterated.  To say that this has been a sore point between us would be something of an understatement.

So when Craig walked in that night, I was already in “nag” mode, pointing out that it had been three days since he’d last had a decent night’s sleep.  “It seems like I can never make anyone happy,” he grumbled.  “I catch it at work, at home . . . and now even my piano teacher is mad because I didn’t practice enough!”  Moments later, he was passed out on the couch, where he stayed most of the night. Again.

Now, I’ve lived with this man for over eleven years.  I KNOW that nagging doesn’t get the desired results.  And, thanks to Christopher and Sarah’s little morality play on the front steps that afternoon, I realized that my unhappiness was affecting them as well.  I needed come up with a healthier alternative, to “exterminate the nag bug,” if you will.

I turned to my Facebook friends for suggestions.  Someone suggested that I should look past the behavior to the underlying cause of the problem – both on his end and my own.  Still others suggested that I just shut up and pray for my husband.  One person reminded me, privately, that I should just thank God that my husband has ANY job in this economy, and leave him alone.

In the end, I decided to try some combination of the three.  The great medieval mystic, Bernard of Clairvaux, taught that there are four levels of love:  Love of self for self’s sake, love of God (and others) for self’s sake, love of God (and others) for their own sake, and love of self for God’s sake.

I realized that, to love someone for his own sake (rather than what I need from that person), is a liberating choice.  It keeps me from trying to control another human being . . . and keeps my focus on how I can be a blessing to the one I love, rather than one more problem to manage.  Even if the other person never changes (a real possibility), this approach minimizes the effect of the problem in the marriage, and on the family.  It also gives God a chance to work in the heart of the other person.

And so, I started looking for ways to show Craig how much I love and appreciate him.  A new set of sheets, so he doesn’t have to wrestle with the corners of the old ones that keep slipping off in the middle of the night.  A surprise treat in his lunch – and a little extra spice at dinner (he loves spicy food, while the kids and I tend to prefer blander fare).  A little more lipstick, a little less gym gear.  An e-mail at lunchtime, to let him know how much I’m looking forward to see him that night.

Above all, every time I’m tempted to snipe and snarl, I breathe a little prayer instead.  Lord, help me keep my heart open and my mouth SHUT.

One week into the experiment, and he still works too hard.  But at least I’m feeling better!

How do YOU exterminate the “nag bug”?  How do YOU model self-control in your own family?



Copyright 2010 Heidi Hess Saxton

At the back of our lot is ”God’s little acre,” a section loaded with brush and brambles as far as little eyes can see. Wild blackberries ripe for the picking — and every time they bring in a Cool Whip carton full, I pull out a little “Mommy Magic” and whip up a pie.

Now, many days I will send them out into the acre so I can have fifteen minutes of peace and quiet to do something daring, like scrub the kitchen floor. But today, I went with them.

Clambering down the back steps leading down from the deck, Christopher turns and gives me a quizzical expression. “I can’t believe it.”

“Can’t believe what, Sweetie?”

“You came outside. You NEVER come out here with us. You never go outside.” (Which of course was not the truth, but perception is reality.) “But today . . . you came with us!”

Three cheers for Mommy. Who by this time is feeling more than a bit chagrined. Of COURSE I go outside! But I was determined to make THIS adventure a memorable one.

“So… where are we going?”  Sarah took me by the hand and led me through the pickers. (Ouch.) Squished up to our ankles in mud. (Yuck.) Listened intently for buzzing or hissing or any other evidence of wildlife. (Eek.)

Finally … There it was. The fairy castle. Right beside a bend in the “river” (a little spring bubbling out of the ground), a natural rise in the ground surrounded by wild grapevines. “You know what would be fun, Mommy?” pipes Sarah. “A PICNIC! Peanut-butter sandwiches, and Rice Krispie bars, and grapes. An CREAM soda!”

Both kids looked at me expectantly. It was only nine o’clock, but suddenly a picnic seemed the most reasonable thing in the world. Must have been all the fairy dust … “Okay, kids. Let’s do it.”

“Oh, boy!!! We get to be the BOSS today!”

And so, “Bossing Day” was born.  We went inside and made our picnic, went to the Fairy Castle, and listened to the birds. Then we changed our clothes and headed for the library, and picked up a half-dozen books about Mackinac Island, and went to the park to read them.

We played “spider” and examined spider webs and got Dum-Dums at the post office. We went to McDonalds and tried on sneakers at Meiers, and I even let Sarah pick out the “cover-up” I needed for our outing to the Grand Hotel next week. (Yards and yards of black, flowing material to cover yards and yards of white, flowing body.)

Finally, we headed to the mall and I promised them we’d go bungee jumping (kiddy style) if they would sit VERY quietly while I got my hair cut. So Sarah brought in four “Biscuit” books and Christopher took in his Judy Blume (he’s on a Blume kick lately) … and, lo and behold, I discovered it IS possible to get a decent haircut while your children are watching. Who knew?

All in all, it was a very good day . . . almost all of it kid-directed. We talked about books they were reading, and what they wanted to do this summer, and what they think about late at night, and all kinds of stuff kids will talk about when you REALLY listen.

As parents, all too often we can get so caught up in the daily stressors of parenting that we forget to find the joy of it. Bit by bit, the deadly sins of anger, gluttony, envy, and pride creep in and rob us of the contentment found in reveling in the gift of the present moment. The book of Galatians, St. Paul reminds us …

For you were called for freedom, brothers and sisters.
But do not use this freedom
as an opportunity for the flesh;
rather, serve one another through love.

Note to self:  Schedule more “Bossing Days” into our summer schedule.

Copyright 2010 Heidi Hess Saxton

As the Judice family anticipated little Eli’s arrival, Dad Chad – a basketball coach for a local Catholic high school – began writing of how that unborn baby rnewed the faith and invigorated the devotion not only of their own family, but of the entire school community. In the words of Mr. Judice: “God [uses] . . . the weakest, the most powerless, and fragile among us to bring a community to Himself.”

As we look ahead to Father’s Day, we honor such men among us, men who act courageously to protect and provide. Sometimes – as in the case of Chad Judice – those men share a biological link with their children. Other times, fatherhood is of a spiritual, rather than biological, origin. In either case, the connection is breathtakingly “real.”

Children in families formed through adoption, foster care, or remarriage experience this special kind of love. Love in action, lived out according to the credo of my own parents when they learned we were going to foster-adopt a sibling group, “You bring ‘em to us, we’ll love ‘em.”  And so they have. And so they do.

This kind of self-donating love is a rare and beautiful gift – perhaps especially in men, who express it distinctively, in strength and security. We see it in the men who “mentor” fatherless children in their churches and communities, playing ball and helping with homework and leading Scout troops. In men who fix the sinks and mow the lawns and install cribs for families whose husbands have been deployed. In men who become teachers, daily offering their students a living example of manhood that boys with fathers are absent or neglectful desperately need.

And men like Chad Judice, sentries of courage and witnesses to truth, no matter what the cost. Thank God for such extraordinary fathers.

Heidi Hess Saxton is the founder of the “Extraordinary Moms Network” and author of “My Big Book of Catholic Bible Stories.” “Waiting for Eli: A Father’s Journey from Fear to Faith” may be ordered from Acadian House Publishing at www.waitingforeli.com, or ask your local bookstore to order it.

Copyright 2010 Heidi Hess Saxton

Like most adoptive mothers who hear this question, my heart broke a little. I couldn’t help but agree with my daughter. Lord, why DID you not see fit to send my children to me directly? Why did they have to bear so much neglect and suffering before we found each other?

There are no easy answers for this, certainly not within the boundaries of my own personalized sense of justice.  So I improvised. “Sweetheart, when God sends each baby into the world, He sends three things along: a special gift to share, a special burden to carry, and a special job to do before she goes back to God.  It’s all a part of a story that belongs to no one else in the world.”

Surely the scars that were inflicted on my children in those early months have no redeeming value, in and of themselves, no lasting sense of good. Yet those months, too, are a part of my children’s story.  Part of the job they have to do, the burden they need to carry, the gift they will share.

I was reminded of this conversation again the other day when I came across this story of Lin Yu Chun, the portly Taiwanese crooner who at 23 took the world (via YouTube) by storm.

Like last year’s British sensation, Susan Boyle, Lin’s appearance belies the gift inside.  His bowl-on-the-head haircut, rotund physique, and slightly pigeon-toed stance don’t exactly shriek “Super Star.” And yet Lin reminds us that sometimes God puts miracles in the unlikeliest of places.

For Lin, that gift must have seemed burdensome at times.  Imagine 15 or 16-year-old Lin getting picked on in the schoolyard because his pure, clear soprano had not yet “hit the basement” like his peers. “Hollywood Gossip” reports:

“Lin … suffered from a lack of self-esteem growing up because ‘being fat draws a lot of mockery in our society.’ However, those difficult times helped the aspiring singer hone his talent. To cope with the taunts from peers, Chun locked himself in his room and sang along to hits by Celine Dion and Mariah Carey.”

The gift, the burden, and the task: these three combine to accomplish a perfection God first designed in us, a quality uniquely our own.  No cookie-cutter saints and sinners, we are called to be a distinct expression of the creative, providential, life-giving love of God at every stage of our lives.

“Why wasn’t I born in your tummy, Mommy?”  Why did Susan Boyle spend the first forty years in an obscure church choir, tending to her elderly mother alone? Why did Lin Yu Chun spend his teenage years fending off the taunts of his schoolmates?  It’s all part of a story still to unfold.

What’s your story?

Copyright 2010 Heidi Hess Saxton

Rather than do something to incite additional road rage, I smiled and waved in my friendliest fashion, as though greeting a long-lost friend.  Then I rolled down my window and motioned her to do the same. Reluctantly, she did.

“Hello! I’m so sorry about the light,” I began.  “I was just at a funeral, and I guess it shook me more than I realized.”

The woman’s shoulders sagged visibly.  “I’m sorry for beeping,” she said. “My brother died yesterday, and I’m not myself. I’m sorry for your loss.”

The light changed, and our cars pulled away from one another.  Each of us still carried a burden of grief – but thanks to our exchange, the added burden of anger was gone.

***

As we enter Holy Week, the thrill of Palm Sunday gives way to the sober dread of Good Friday.  The cross must have loomed larger than life as Jesus anticipated the physical and emotional torture that was in store for Him.  On a purely human level, it would have been impossible not to be petrified, offering context for His agonized plea in the Garden:  “If it be possible, let this cup pass from me.”

But the cup did not pass. His was the unhappy lot to drain every last distasteful drop, to fulfill the role that He had willingly taken up, at His Father’s bequest: to become the Lamb of God.

All along that Via Dolorosa, whispers of grace were sent with momentary consolations: the Cyrene who shouldered His burden to spare Him the weight upon His wounded shoulders, the woman (whose deeds are not recounted explicitly in Scripture) who wiped His face of blood and sweat, the sight of the disciple He loved best tending to the needs of the Blessed Mother, the Woman He loved most.

Even so, the Lord’s brain must have felt Jell-O-like, barely able to take in what was going on around Him.  Each step required His full attention, each word spoken with the economy of suffering as His mind struggled to make sense of it all.

Finally, at the last, He clung to a final bedrock truth: “Into Your hands I commit my spirit.”  At the last, He did not turn away from the One He knew could be trusted, in spite of it all.  He did not spit out His life in bitterness, but submitted Himself to the mystery of what His Father had promised.

And so, dear readers, must we.  This week I’ve been walking alongside a couple of friends trudging along a Via Dolorosa of their own.  As much as I want to lift their burdens from them, in the end I can only minister a temporary balm, like Veronica and Simon.  The path itself is theirs to walk.

There is no choice in the matter.  We must get through this, one agonized step at a time.  For, in the words of a wise deacon friend of mine, “Without Good Friday, there is no Easter joy.”

Please remember in your prayers the family of Barbara Polcyn, especially Denise and her two children who, with her mother’s support, she adopted from Eastern Europe – and who miss their Nana dreadfully.

Have a blessed Holy Week!

Copyright 2010 Heidi Hess Saxton

Frankly, by the time I met my husband at the age of 34, my heart had so many battle scars, it was a wonder that I had anything left to offer him.  Each of us had memories and habits to overcome.  And by the grace of God, through the sacrament of matrimony, we built a life together, choosing each day to trust in the fidelity we had promised to one another.  A decade has passed, and we are still learning what it means to give of ourselves completely in authentic, life-long love.  Some days I wonder if I will ever catch up to my husband, who exhibits heroic virtue in the areas I am weakest, such as patience and compassion and gentleness and self-control.  It really can be trying … then again, I’m sure I’m no picnic.

Because of our respective pasts, some scars run so deep that there is really no getting rid of them entirely, though marriage has in a very real way been a sacrament of healing as well as vocation. Every once in a while a twinge resurfaces. Which raises an important question:  When such memories resurface, what is a faithful soul to do? What does fidelity demand?

Have you ever wondered this? If so, pick up a copy of Elena Maria Vidal’s The Night’s Dark Shade. When the heroine’s fiancé and father die in battle, so crushed is Lady Raphaelle that nothing is left for her but duty. Day after anguished day she trudges along and hopes for … if not the best, at least a measure of peace. Instead she finds herself trapped by circumstances, surrounded by “good Christians” who do not reverence the cross, bear witness to the goodness of creation, or regard pregnancy as a gift to be embraced within marriage.

In the words of King Solomon, there is truly “nothing new under the sun.” Although Vidal’s latest novel is set in medieval France, The Night’s Dark Shade is richly textured with two perennial truths: From one generation to the next, faith and love are tested by any number of devilish counterfeits.  And each in turn discovers that the surest pathway to happiness lies not in surrender to the sham, but in resistance.

Vidal has a loyal following of readers because of her lyrical, thoroughly Catholic treatment of medieval French history. Her first two novels, Trianon and Madame Royale, offer unexpected glimpses into the life and faith of Marie Antoinette and her extended family.  The Night’s Dark Shade examines a different period of history, and yet this book also raises important questions and draws connections that are as relevant now as they were hundreds of years ago.  Well worth reading.

The Night’s Dark Shade and Elena Maria Vidal’s other novels are available through Amazon.com or directly through the publisher; be sure to peruse her blog, Tea at Trianon, as well.

Copyright 2010 Heidi Hess Saxton

A supersized black kid wearing shorts and a polo shirt, carrying a plastic grocery sack, wandered aimlessly in the frigid night air.  He had run from multiple foster homes, most recently from a black family that had gotten him into Briarcrest Christian School. (The football coach had taken one look at Big Mike and seen next season’s star offensive left tackle, not realizing the boy had never touched a football, and was in fact a “big marshmallow.”)

Alone and penniless, Big Mike spent the following weeks just trying to survive. Then one night, alone on a deserted road, an affluent white family, the Tuohys, found Michael and brought him home. “It’s just for one night, right?” Sean Tuohy (Tim McGraw) asked his wife, Leigh Anne (Sandra Bullock). Sitting beside me in the theater, my husband chuckled. “I know that look,” he whispered to me. He was right. Michael stayed.

Now, Michael was not good at many things.  He could barely read.  He didn’t know how to study.  He rarely talked.  And, much to the chagrin of the football coach, he didn’t know what to do with a football. But he was good at one thing:  he had strong, protective instincts.  With family, “I’ve got your back.”

And that one, single gift – his drive to protect – set his life’s course with an unforgettable story of second chances and redemption.

Life Behind the Christmas Card

When the Tuohys found Michael on that deserted road, my eyes filled with tears as I thought of the thousands of kids like Michael, who never get a ride home.  Thought of how much better this world would be if more families were like Michael’s adoptive family.

There were a million reasons for them not to get involved – what people might think, what Michael might do, the fact that he was a chronic runaway.  Despite their best efforts and intentions, they could never hope to relate to him and to assimilate him into their family as a black family would. Indeed, some accused the Tuohys of exploiting and controlling the young man for their own selfish purposes. And yet, they needed only one good reason to act: because Michael needed them.

Blind Side is a heartwarming story, without a doubt.  I hope that it will inspire hundreds of families to go out and adopt a teenager in need of a home.  And yet, they should also be aware that “life behind the Christmas card” is rarely so idyllic.  Most kids touched by the state system don’t fold their sheets neatly on the sofa in the morning.  They don’t seat themselves at the dining room table while the rest of the family eats Thanksgiving dinner on TV trays.  They do remember the past, and the family from which they were torn so violently and permanently.

And yet, if the past is painful, the future for these children is truly a nightmare in the making. For every Michael Oher, there are hundreds of others who never get that hand up, never have someone to care whether they make something of themselves.  Instead they languish in children’s homes, or worse.  They become one more name on a social worker’s caseload.  If they’re lucky.

And until more families – black, white, and every other color – step forward, willing to risk loving a scared and troubled teenager out of love for Christ, the best we can hope for is that these children never make the headlines for a far more ignoble reason.

Every child deserves a family.  Every child deserves a safe and loving home.  Every child deserves to grow up with the unshakable conviction that from the moment of conception God had bigger dreams for him than the human mind can conceive.  Who will carry that message . . . to just one child?

Copyright 2009 Heidi Hess Saxton

The star of the movie, Ellen Bry, is an energetic mother of three grown children, including two sons with autism. I spoke with Ellen the day she dropped off her daughter, Hannah, at Wesleyan University for her senior year. Ellen’s son Max, 20, is in his second year at UCLA Pathways, a two-year postsecondary educational program for those with developmental disabilities, which offers a range of classes in vocational, social, and life skills. Sam, 18, is at home.

Like many children with autism, Max and Sam will never live entirely on their own, says their mother. This has required a lifetime of adjustment for the whole family. “When you are first expecting, you don’t go into motherhood thinking your child will be anything but normal and typical. And when that doesn’t happen, there is grief and anger. It has been a very different experience for all of us. Sometimes crummy … but other times extraordinary and miraculous.”

One of the greatest challenges of parenting the special-needs child is managing one’s own expectations. “There’s a kind of smugness among very bright, accomplished people, an engrained bias that being bright and accomplished is somehow being ‘better.’ When you have special-needs kids, you realize immediately that intelligence in merely another gift that you’re lucky enough to get – but not a God-given right. It’s surely as much of a fluke as being good-looking. A sharp intellect is a gift, nothing you deserve, just something you’re lucky to have. Other human qualities are more important – love, decency, compassion, goodness, and kindness. My two special-needs kids have those in abundance.” When parenting the special-needs child, love means learning to appreciate each child for who he is, rather than what he can or cannot do.

Stress and the Special-Needs Parent

Ellen doesn’t sugar-coat the difficulties of special-needs parenting; the staggering, unrelenting stress ultimately contributed to the breakdown of her marriage, increasing Ellen’s sense of isolation and loss. Being around “normal” parents was especially difficult. “It’s difficult not to feel completely estranged from a group of parents stressed about fitting in a manicure or getting dinner on the table while juggling the demands of work and soccer practice.  Parents of special needs children long to have such “fancy” problems!

One of the greatest challenges parents of special-needs children face is getting the services, including therapies and educational support, a child with disabilities requires. State agencies, insurance companies, and school administrators often seek to limit the benefits to which a child is entitled because of budget limitations.

“When you talk to your child’s school, they may tell you, ‘We have to offer your kid a free and appropriate education in the least restrictive environment. But what we can afford to offer you is a Buick, not a Cadillac.’  That’s not good enough!  As a parent, go for the Rolls Royce, so that even if you don’t end up with the Rolls, you’ll get something closer to the Cadillac.  You would like to think you’re on the same team – you are not. They are looking to save money, and they are going to see if they can cut back on the services they offer your kid. Many school systems are beginning to reduce or eliminate special education resources, and parents of kids on the autistic spectrum need to be their children’s strongest and best advocates. You can’t worry about being liked – you must do everything possible to get your child what he needs.

“You have to get over the stigma of having a special-needs child if you have some discomfort. There are a lot of special-needs children who are isolated because the parents are ashamed or uncomfortable. That doesn’t help anyone.”

One of the most important ways to do this, says Bry, is to get the support of other parents whose children are dealing with similar challenges. Ellen recommends finding a child advocate or an attorney who advocates for special-needs families, either locally or through an online resource such as the Autism Society of America or Autism Speaks.  Another great source of information is parent support groups, either in person or online.

“Acts of Love: Pioneers”

One of the ways Ellen advocates for autism awareness and research is by participating in an annual fundraiser for Autism Speaks called “Acts of Love,” through the Word Theatre. This year’s benefit, entitled “Acts of Love: Pioneers,” was held October 3, 2009 at the Eli and Edythe Broad Stage in Santa Monica, California. Ellen Bry joined celebrities Adam Arkin, Benjamin Bratt, Carla Gugino, Alfred Molina, and Lynn Whitfield to celebrate the pioneers of our age, who “strike out into the unknown to make a better future.”  Acts of Love: Pioneers is created, produced, and directed by Cedering Fox.

The money from this event directly benefits Autism Speaks, cofounded by Bob and Suzanne Wright. Autism Speaks is dedicated to the research funding, prevention, treatment, and advocacy for those who suffer with autistic spectrum disorders, including autism and Asperger’s syndrome. Autism Speaks has contributed $128 million toward autism research, treatment, and prevention.


Copyright 2009 Heidi Hess Saxton

Today Associated Press ran this poignant story of a fifteen-year-old Indonesian boy who watched his nineteen-year-old sister marry . . . and then get swept away with her groom and most of their wedding party in a horrific landslide brought on by the tsunami immediately after the reception. Their marriage lasted just seconds.

On the other end of the spectrum, you have the “mature marrieds” whose oneness is measured in decades rather than seconds.  Last week I sent notes of condolence to the wives of two such couples, one whose husband slipped away in the wee hours, the other who had been her husband’s memory for the past four years of their marriage.

Most of us are in the middle, somewhere between honeymoon bliss and Sunset Hills. We love each other not only for what we are to each other, but what we are not as well. These past few weeks, my husband’s chronic illness has been taking a terrible toll on his energy levels, and he struggles just to keep up with the demands of daily life. I love him as best I can, and those love offerings take a distinctive form: the packet of freeze-dried chocolate-chip mint ice cream I found at the Hand’s On Museum, where I took Christopher so Craig could get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. The white roses he brings me on our anniversary, knowing that I love them so much more than the crimson variety. The way I nag him to get the sacrament of anointing, so he has at his disposal all the means of healing available to him. The way he tosses the lion’s share of the coverlet over my shoulders at night before he crawls between the sheets, so I don’t get chilly (and plant my frozen size 9’s on the backs of his legs, to warm them.)

The way he doesn’t accuse me of being hysterical or morbid when I ask him to please, please, please write down the passwords and insurance information, so I don’t have to go through what my friend Shirley is going through right now, should Craig (like Bob) be called home in the middle of the night.

“As long as you both shall live…”  This is to be truly pro-life, pro-love. It’s more than a walk around an abortion clinic . . . It’s a walk along pathways that you truly cannot see more than a few feet ahead at a time. That’s what makes it a walk of faith.

Are you looking for assurances, guarantees, warrantees on your marriage?  God may be calling you to something truly courageous. Have you ever heard this Prayer of Abandonment, by Charles de Foucauld?

Father, I abandon myself into your hands;

do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.
Let only your will be done in me, and in all your creatures.
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul;
I offer it to you
with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, Lord,
and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands,
without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.

Copyright 2009 Heidi Hess Saxton

While these things are true, after seeing Pixar’s latest offering today I will add the following caveat. “Take him to go see UP.”

As an adoptive parent, I was deeply moved by the irascible Carl’s character – grieving over the loss of his beloved Ellie, he strives to carry out her wishes as best he can, in her memory. What he doesn’t count on is a little stowaway named Russell – a boy with a deep need for a father figure, someone who can show him how to be a man. What touched me so deeply about this movie was Carl’s emerging need to father, to protect and guide the boy as only another man can.

Why Carl and Ellie had no children of their own is not fully explained. Together they dreamed of babies, and even decorated the nursery. And yet, for many reproductively challenged couples, the “why” is never fully explained – and even when it is, is seldom satisfying.

Faced with the devastating loss of his wife, and the prospect of losing even the home that contains his memories, Carl shuts the world out . . . Until young Russell comes knocking, then stows away on the floating home. As the adventure progresses Carl recognizes in the boy a kindred spirit. And in their quest – an adventure marked with great personal self-sacrifice, which is the essence of true fatherhood – the pair formed an extraordinary bond.

Why do I find this movie such a compelling argument for fostering and adoption? Carl does not formally adopt Russell, whose father’s absence is never fully explained. However, in reaching out to the boy, a most remarkable transformation occurs in the man. This movie reminded me that, just as God has placed in every woman the need to mother (which each of us expresses a bit differently), so he places in every man the desire to father. Not simply to provide, as the drive to father can never be fully satisfied in acquiring things. It must be lived out in relationship with other people, and in a particular way with the next generation – whether or not they share a biological connection with those they mentor.

In my blog for adoptive, foster, and special-needs parents, the Extraordinary Moms Network, I frequently write about the natural need God places in women to nurture and protect human life, whether or not they become biological parents. “Extraordinary Moms” are (like Eucharistic ministers) women who come alongside biological mothers – sometimes for a short time, other times for a lifetime – for the sake of the child, to help her raise him to responsible adulthood. In this movie, I saw a poignant image of Extraordinary Fatherhood – a bond very different from a mother’s, but no less important.

Copyright 2009 Heidi Hess Saxton

It all happened suddenly, and blew over just as quickly. I’ve wanted to do something tangible to show my support of my kids’ school. And so, when I heard that the Boosters were in need of some fresh fund-raising ideas, I decided to run for an elected office. (Boosters is the group that raises money for the school so our kids can have little luxuries like school bleachers and pizza lunches and chess club and a tuba for the school band.)

As I had not been active on Boosters up to then, I was unaware that (a) nominations had closed a few days before and (b) it was actually the Vice President’s job I wanted. (The VP handles fundraising, the P handles committee meetings, which are not my forte.)

Naturally, I was concerned about who would take the top slot; the leader of any team needs to be positive, encouraging, motivated, creative, and people-smart. I knew the woman who was running only casually; after talking to her about her goals for Boosters I became genuinely concerned about her ability to do the job. But I figured I’d just let things sort themselves out.

They did, though not as I’d anticipated. Next thing I knew, vague insinuations were being cast about regarding “some people” (pointed looks in my direction) who were ruining the nominee’s reputation by discussing her private life in a public forum. One of them visited one of my blogs and suggested that I write an article about gossip. I fought the urge to defend myself, knowing that I hadn’t done anything wrong — but that making an issue of this would only fuel the fire. I contented myself with the thought that, as people got to know me, they would realize how ridiculous it was to accuse me of such a thing. In the meantime, there was work to do.

Proverbs 27:6 says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are profuse.” I thought about this verse a lot in the days that followed, how in the name of friendship we can come alongside someone who is struggling and either give them a hand up . . . or push them farther down. We can allow them to wallow, or urge them to detach; perpetuate the lie, or face the truth. In the name of sympathy, we can hand them the water of life, or a deadly draught. Gossip, like lust, comes in all shapes and sizes, and cuts both ways: Sometimes it is overt, malicious; other times it comes from a place of weakness and desire. More often than not, it takes on a life of its own, striking at the souls of friend and foe alike.

Lisa said it best. “Be friendly, but set the bar high for your kids and yourself. Try to be a role model for the type of positive, uplifting person you hope your children will become.” Stay out of the snake pit. Keep busy. Stay focused. Work hard. Seek truth. As the school year winds down, and we enter the familiar rhythms of summer, may God help us to grow strong in virtue, so that in the coming months we might model for our children true Christian friendship – faithful, compassionate, and real.

Copyright 2009 Heidi Hess Saxton

So … what does a foster family look like? Most aren’t rich in the financial sense. Some excellent foster parents open their hearts to a child long before they find a spouse. (Here in Ann Arbor, the sisters of Servants of God’s Love have fostered children for years.) You don’t have to own your own home, or even be at home full-time. (On the other hand, troubled children greatly benefit from the love and attention a SAHM can provide.)

So … what does the “gift of fostering” look like?  You might be a great foster parent if …

• You genuinely like being around other people’s children, and they like being around you.
• You instinctively look for ways to help other people – adults and children alike.
• You notice when your child’s classmate doesn’t have a warm jacket … and find one for him.
• You’re good at bringing order out of chaos, but don’t mind a little “happy mess.”
• You have a WYSIWYG philosophy of life: honest, straightforward, and generally kind.
• You‘re a natural (and patient) teacher, capable of giving a lesson again and again.
• You have a “second sense” about children, and can figure out what they need when they can’t tell you themselves.
• You like cuddling, hugs, and dandelion bouquets.
• You make friends for life, even when you don’t see them every day.
• You are a resourceful person, and aren’t too proud to ask for help when you need it.
• You would like to add to your family, but aren’t sure you want another pregnancy.
• Most important: You believe in the power of love to change lives.

Some people hesitate to get involved because they aren’t sure they can bear the thought of getting attached, then having a child leave again. In reality, nearly 60% of foster children never go home, and there are more than 25,000 children who need permanent homes. Most of these children are over four years of age (the median age is eight) – younger children are often a part of a sibling group, have special needs, or are biracial.

However, many foster parents find that the children who enter their lives even for a brief time touch them so deeply, they are better off for having known them for even a short time. For a touching account of one such family’s experience, pick up a copy of “Paper Sack Kids.”

Do you live in the Ann Arbor, Michigan area? Join Heidi Saxton at St. Andrew Parish in Saline on April 28 at 9:45 a.m. for an “adoption fair.” After Heidi’s talk, representatives from local foster and adoption agencies will be on hand to answer any questions you may have about adoption and foster care. For more information, contact Heidi at hsaxton@christianword.com.

This, I tell you, is one of my very favorite parts of parenting. “Looks like SOMEBODY needs his Love Banks checked,” I say.

“Yep,” he grumps, a tiny flicker of a smile twitching at the corner of his mouth.  So we settle ourselves comfortably (he’s getting a little too big for my lap, but we manage somehow) and I solemnly feel the bottom of his foot, right along the instep. “Hmmm… the Hug Bank feels a little low … What do you think?” I murmur.

“Yep,” he glumps again. We wrap our arms around each other …. “MMMM!”

“Check it again, Mom. Does it feel full now?”

Gently I probe again. “Well… maybe another little one. What do you think?”

“Yep.”

“MMMMMMMMMMM!”

“Okay, now the Kiss Bank,” he reminds me. We specialize in kisses at the Saxton House. Butterflies and Piggies, Eskimos and Fairy Dust (blow on the hairline before planting it gently on the widow’s peak). If someone is REALLY ornery, we bestow the dreaded “Puppy Kiss.” Maddy is only too happy to oblige.

“Now the Tickle Bank.”  This time I probe the ball of his foot, right beneath the toes. He squirms and giggles.

“Nope. Empty!  RAUGHHHHHHH!”  Fingers fly – gently and with restraint – up the back and behind the knees, finishing with a thorough foot treatment.  It lasts a couple of seconds, but the smile from a good tickle can last all day.

“Don’t forget, Mom … the Rub Bank.”  My son keeps his hair short because he likes it when I rustle it up. When he was really little I would sit by the side of his bed and rub his head gently to put him to sleep, and even now – a Big Boy of Nine – he needs that soothing.

Affection and the Adopted (or Foster) Child

I’ve heard it said more than once that adoption is a life-long experience, not a one-time occurrence.  The feelings of loss and grief continue, sometimes more actively than others, and it is up to the parent to figure out how to meet the needs of that child.

Children with attachment or bonding issues may not respond positively to such prolonged or intense cuddling … We had to start slowly and build up gradually. On the other hand, the human body craves positive touch and affection, and so as parents we need to find ways to meet the very real needs of our kids in ways that feel safe and nurturing to them.

A shoulder squeeze as you pass by … a gentle back rub at story time … feeding someone their favorite snack, one piece at a time … even the rough-and-tumble physicality of “Daddy Monster” or touch football. Children who have been abused physically or sexually may have boundary issues requiring extra sensitivity and restraint. But finding ways to say, “I love you” or even “I’m glad you’re a part of our family!” are a critical part of helping your child build a healthy sense of self … and demonstrate more powerfully than words ever could the reality of the Heavenly Father who loves them most of all.

Are You Getting Your “Daily Seven”?

Just as our children have emotional needs that can only be met by physical touch, so do we. “Significant touching” – the squeeze of a hand, a pat on the back, a hug – is something we all need every day. (Some say the ideal number is seven touches a day, others put the count much higher.)

If you find yourself getting aggravated by your kids, then, the best solution might not be to hole yourself up in the bedroom to punch a pillow. Instead, you might consider getting down on the floor with your brood for a family cuddle, or maybe even a (gentle) pillow fight!

As parents, we sometimes get so caught up in the dailyness of family life – the appointments, the chores, the schedules, the lists – that we forget to enjoy one another. During the season of Lent, as we are looking for ways to simplify, let’s remember to lavish our time on the only thing that will last forever … the bond we have with our families.

Now … go and fill those Love Banks! You’ll be glad you did.

Copyright 2009 Heidi Hess Saxton

Today is “Autism Sunday” (February 8), and as I was surfing some sites on this condition I came across a list of movies on autism.com that portray this condition, most with a degree of empathy.

Seeing I Am Sam listed here made me realize just how complex – and how incredibly frustrating – the condition must be, both for the afflicted and their loved ones. Whereas in Rain Man the afflicted character (Raymond Babbit, played by Dustin Hoffman) could count cards and multiply multiple digit numbers, he would go ballistic if touched. Sam, by contrast could scarcely read and had the intellectual capacity of a seven-year-old – but he clearly adores his daughter, holding her and tending to her needs. (Asking her father why he’s “different” than the other daddies, Lucy brushes off his apologies with, “I’m lucky … none of the other daddies come to the playground.”)

In The Other Sister, the character portrayed by Juliette Lewis takes computer classes, has her own apartment, and even gets married; in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (another of my favorite flicks), Arnie requires constant supervision to keep him from climbing water towers and dying of hypothermia in his own bathtub. In Little Man Tate, the boy Fred displays characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome – with breathtaking intellectual capacity, he clearly longs for friendships but lacks the capacity for true emotional bonds – even with his mother.

It is this emotional detachment that must be most difficult for family members, experiencing the prolonged dependence of a child without the natural bond that goes with it. Those with children who have ODD can also relate to this, as can foster and adoptive parents of traumatized children. We yearn for the closeness – the hugs and kisses – but know that for the foreseeable future these gestures (if we can give them at all) are likely to be entirely one-sided.  Even so, we continue to love … as parents, it’s what we do. We try to find and celebrate the small victories: the spontaneous pictures, the humor, the quiet companionship of a child who is content just to have you near.

Today we remember all those touched by autism and Asperger’s syndrome. May you find joy in the journey, and grace all along the way.

Copyright 2009 Heidi Hess Saxton

In at least one of these cases, the woman has endured years of selfishness and immaturity, supporting her family herself as her husband found one excuse after another to abdicate his financial responsibilities to his family. And in at least one of these cases, a child she brought into the union endured physical and emotional abuse at the hands of his stepfather. Before they married, he said all the right things. After the wedding, the truth emerged with alarming clarity.

When a single mother chooses a potential marriage partner, one of the most difficult — and most crucial — considerations is not what the guy looks like in a snug pair of jeans, how fat his bank account, or whether he can make her eyes roll to the back of her head in bed (after they are married, of course). None of these things are nearly as important as this: How will he treat her child?

My sister Kathy, who counsels survivors of domestic violence, has experienced both sides of this. Her abusive first husband taught her the importance of choosing a marriage partner slowly and carefully. Thank God, the second time she got it right: Ken is a loving, gentle, patient man and a hard worker who loves Kathy and her daughter equally … and when they finally married, he pledged himself to them both.

“Marry in haste, repent at leisure,” the old saying goes. Heaven knows how tempting it can be to plunge ahead and make a permanent commitment when the stars are shining in those days of wine and roses. He looks good, smells great, says all the right things … Day and night, you dream of your rosy future with this, your Prince Charming.

But if you have a child, you need to stop. Seriously. Even if you are living at home and can’t wait to get out. Even if you are struggling to make ends meet, financially speaking. Even if you really, truly believe that God has brought the two of you together. My grandmother used to call this “seasoning” a man — seeing him through all four seasons of the year before making a permanent commitment.

The first step, of course, is making sure you are ready for marriage. Have you “unpacked your baggage” and worked through the issues of your past relationships? Are you in a healthy place, capable of making good dating choices? If you’re Catholic and were married in the Church, have you obtained an annulment? I recently read a book entitled Divorced. Catholic. Now What? by Lisa Duffy that provides excellent advice for navigating the aftermath of divorce with your soul intact. I highly recommend it.
Questions to Ask Before You Say “Yes!”

Relax. Take your time. If your friend is indeed “Mr. Right,” he’ll understand your caution. You aren’t thinking just of yourself — you need to decide what is best for your child. Because that’s what mothers do. So … you need to consider carefully, over time and with the help of close friends and family (who can help you maintain objectivity), whether your potential mate is a prince … or a toad. To get you started, here are a few questions to ask yourself:

* Is this man pressuring you for premature physical intimacy, or asking you to compromise your moral values in other areas? (If so, he may not have the self-control or moral fiber to be a good father.)

* Does he have obvious anger, entitlement, or control issues? Is he charming and persuasive one moment, but critical and demeaning the moment you say or do something he doesn’t like? (If so, he may be a potential abuser, even if he never hits you.)

* Does your child seek out this person’s company, or does s/he “disappear” (keeping physically or emotionally distant) the moment your friend shows up? (Children are highly intuitive creatures, and may pick up on signals you overlook.)

* How does this man act around your friends and family? Does he avoid them whenever possible and does he resent the time you spend with them? Or does he try too hard to get them to like him, exaggerating his accomplishments or flaunting his possessions? Or does he seem to “fit” (after he warms up to them a bit)?

* Does he remind you how lucky you are that he picked you, or how difficult it would be for you to find a mate if things don’t work out between the two of you? (This is a RED FLAG! RUN!!!)

* Do you ever feel that the relationship is “imbalanced” — or that you have to give up an important part of yourself to make it work? (Some adjustment is needed in every relationship, but the key is mutual support and respect.)

* If the child’s father is still in the picture, does your friend support your efforts to let your child have a relationship with his father? Or does he resent the man’s existence (and does this portend how he is going to feel about your child down the line)?

* If the child’s father is no longer in the picture, is your friend willing to father your child? Does he express an interest in adopting your child? Have you met his parents, and do they welcome the prospect of becoming your child’s grandparents … And if not, how does your friend feel about this? Does he make excuses for them … Or encourage them to build a relationship with the child?

* Have you talked about your finances, and does he include your child in his long-term financial planning (college fund, wedding fund, retirement planning, etc.)?

* Do you feel you can trust him to make good choices for you and your child, and that his heart is big enough to accommodate you both — even if no other children enter the picture?

If you are not sure about the answer to any of these questions, it’s better to wait until you have an answer than to rush ahead. Take all the time you need. Your child is worth it … and so are you!

Copyright 2009 Heidi Hess Saxton

Now that the election is over, one of the most chilling prospects of the future administration is the president-elect’s determination to sign the “Freedom of Choice Act” (FOCA). The implications of this – both financial and moral – are staggering, for it means our tax dollars may be used to snuff out the lives of millions of children. To be truly pro-life, then, is to seek ways to ensure that the need for abortion is eliminated, as far as we are able to do this.

Adoption gives those in crisis pregnancies an abortion alternative that saves the life of the child and relieves them of the unwanted responsibility of parenthood. Adoption also provides an opportunity for couples to have a child they might otherwise never have, and for the child to have a “forever family” that will love him or her for life.

With foster-adoption, children who have already been born – often to parents with such serious issues that the children may have been better off had the “adoption option” been chosen from the beginning – are given a second chance. Sadly, many of these children – especially those who are part of sibling group, have special needs, or are “older” (four or more) must wait months and even years for a loving, permanent home. There are simply not enough suitable families willing to open their hearts this way.

The situation would be dire enough … Now grass roots, anti-adoption advocacy groups such as “Bastard Nation” and  “Adoption: Legalized Ties” are seeking to discourage adoption, choosing rather to advocate for disgruntled adult adoptees and “natural parents,” including those whose children were taken from them because of abuse and neglect.

Anti-Adoption Advocates: Biased “Truth”

The dynamic of adoption is often described as a “triad,” with 3 sides representing the birth (or first) parents, adoptive parents, and adopted child. By and large, anti-adoption groups have vilified both adoptive parents and the agencies that mediate the placements.

Recently, however, the attack has expanded to birth parents as well: Under the “Unsealed Initiative,” adult adoptees and others are lobbying government agencies in New York and other states (successfully, in Toronto) to release sealed birth records in order to gain access to the identities of birth parents who may not desire contact, and who were promised anonymity upon relinquishment. In the minds of the adult adoptees, the “best interest of the child” trumps all – when in fact the “child” is no longer a child, but an adult whose “right to know” is no more important than the other party’s right to privacy.

This growing trend is even more alarming, given the unabashed pro-abortion stance of the Obama administration. Women in crisis pregnancies who are considering adoption may have second thoughts when faced with the very real possibility that their “past” may come knocking on their door twenty or thirty years hence, disrupting their lives with demands and recriminations. Unless the records are truly sealed with a “suite lock” – one that can be opened only by mutual consent – the real danger is that these “unwanted” children will simply be aborted.

Catholic Anti-Adoption Advocates

Recently I was appalled to discover that these “anti-adoption advocates” are making inroads even in Catholic publications. Last September the National Catholic Register ran this article (accessed through my EMN blog) by self-professed “anti-adoption advocate” Melinda Selmys, who writes about encountering teenage adoptees who were acting out – though the adoptive parents were “kind and loving people.”

Rather than consider the real possibility that the teens had been damaged by circumstances that led up to the adoption, or that adoption may indeed have been their best chance at a bright future, or that these kids were just like others teens who have difficulties making the transition into adulthood, Selmys concludes that the adoption itself was the true source of the problem. She writes:

The child … is not a tabula rasa on which anyone — parents, teachers, social workers, engineers of brave new worlds — can inscribe their glowing hopes for the future. … The child is created in the image and likeness of God, but it is also in the image and likeness of its parents. The people who hope to see evil eradicated from the world through increasing government intervention in the lives of children are going to be sorely disappointed. Children do not inherit their faults and failings merely by watching and imitating mom and dad. They inherit them on a much deeper level.

Healing the Wounded Heart

Now, much of what Ms. Selmys says sounds reasonable. Foster and adoptive parents are well aware that our children have challenges and issues originating with their “first families” – behavioral, mental, emotional, and medical among them. Sometimes it’s genetic. Other times challenges come from the child’s pre-adoptive environment. Not a blank slate … a heart wounded by bad choices and negative impulses of broken people.

It is also true that no adoptive environment is “perfect” – just as no parent is perfect. Ideally, children thrive best when they are raised by their natural parents, joined for life in the sacrament of matrimony. Sadly, as a society we have fallen woefully short of this ideal, and the only question that remains is how to mitigate the damage inflicted on innocent young lives.

There are situations in which adoption is truly the best (though not perfect) choice: Children born to young teens (especially those who have neither the inner resources nor long-term support system necessary to parent); children of parents with unresolved substance abuse or domestic violence issues; and children of abusive and neglectful parents. In each of these cases, little wounded hearts heal best when they are no longer in close proximity to the source of the pain. Sadly, this can mean removing children from birth parents voluntarily or (when parents demonstrate neither the willingness nor the inclination to fix their own messes and put the children’s needs first) involuntarily.

Adoption gives children wounded by the choices of their first parents a second chance to heal. Granted, it does not completely shield the child from the consequences of her first parents’ choices. There is no way to shield the child entirely – that is the nature of sin. On the other hand, pressuring unwed teenage mothers (and other at-risk mothers) to keep their babies even when they are demonstrably not capable of parenting produces more difficulties than it resolves – down the line, when adoption is no longer a viable option.

Adoption, the “Pro-Life” Option

The sad reality is that the older the child, the smaller the pool of potential adoptive parents. In the U.S. today, more than 500,000 children are in need of temporary or permanent homes … the vast majority are part of larger sibling groups, special needs, or “older” (age four or more).

Because the pain of adoption is real, the adoption choice represents true self-sacrifice on all sides of the adoption triad: Birth parents put the best interests of the child ahead of their own needs, adoptive parents agree to invest themselves entirely in a young life they did not bring into the world. The child may also suffer in ways they cannot fully understand until they are much older – and may have difficulties accepting even then. And yet, when the choice is literally life and death, this kind of self-sacrifice is the pathway to hope … if we allow it.

Will these mothers come to regret their choice? Undoubtedly there will be times when they will wonder if they could have chosen differently. They may yearn to re-establish contact with that child – and should be able to leave the door open for this, should the child (ideally, with the blessings of the adoptive parent) seek her out. But as with many significant choices in life, once the choice is made we cannot see clearly “the road not taken”; because of the unknown variables that stem from that choice, it is illusory at best. We can only learn from our choices, and move on.

On the other hand, through adoption (even open adoption, in which the birth parents maintain a level of contact after the placement), a child is helped to make the most of their own natural giftings and eradicate the worst of their natural weaknesses. The birth parent is then able to tend to his or her needs without inflicting even greater damage on the innocent. And the adoptive parents are presented with an opportunity to invest their lives in a way that produces rich spiritual fruit in the life of parent and child alike.

In Search of the “Phantom Parent”

Books such as The Adoption Mystique, by anti-adoption advocate Joanne Wolf Small, MSW, remind us that some children never completely recover from the losses of adoption – no matter how much love and attention they are given. The sense of abandonment can run deep, and visions of “real” mom and dad can tantalize even the most outwardly accommodating child – especially those in the throes of adolescence and into young adulthood, when the natural desire to separate from Mom and Dad is most powerful, and the quest for identity strongest.

While the release of some information – such as medical histories – has objective value, and could be released without depriving the first parents of their right to privacy, it is imperative that the concerns of all three sides of the adoption triad be given equal weight. Birth parents have the right to remain anonymous (unless they choose to relinquish that right); adoptive parents have the right to raise their child without undue interference; the adopted child has the right to a safe and nurturing environment. The adult adopted child has the rights of any adult – but not access to the confidential records of other private citizens.

In the section entitled “Anti-Adoption Media Bias,” Ms. Small offers a revealing quote from “The San Francisco Examiner” (1999, February 22):

“Anguish is everywhere in the adoption equation …. The birth mother … adoptive parents …. Adopted children haunted by phantom birth parents who, they may feel “abandoned” them – beings … they cannot know. Phantom limbs on the family tree (par 10).

At age eleven, my younger sister experienced phantom pains when her leg was amputated. The nerves at the amputation site, which connected the missing leg to the brain, did not immediately die. And yet, Chris did not to let the amputation define her or limit her in any way, and in time these pains diminished. She became first a cheerleader, then a wife and mother. If she had chosen to concentrate on the pain – instead of healing – she would be a very different person today.

I realized just how complete the healing had been when, a few years ago, an over-zealous “street healer” offered to pray for her leg to grow back and she refused. “When I get to heaven, I’m going to get my leg back – and you better believe I’m looking forward to that. But right now, for whatever reason, this is God’s plan for me, and I’m going to accept it. I’m not going to feel sorry for myself – I’m going to live.”

Wise words that can be applied to many situations – including adoption. The “phantom pain” of adoption must be acknowledged – and yet, reunification may not always be possible or even desirable. The adopted child must recognize the reality of the adoption triad; each part of the triangle of birth parent/adoptive parent/adopted child has both rights and responsibilities, some of which cannot be assumed by the child until he or she becomes an adult.

It is in adulthood that many children – adopted and biological alike – discover something essential to their future happiness: Some things in life are chosen for us by the adults in our lives, based on the information at hand, which have both positive and negative repercussions. If we continue to blame our parents for those choices, we remain in a state of “arrested adolescence” and keep ourselves from realizing our God-given potential. This is true of adult children of adoption – and of many other children, too.

We cannot change history; we can only acknowledge and learn from it, grieve our losses, forgive those who have hurt us … and move forward. The loss adopted children experience is real – just as my sister’s loss was real, and she had to work through those feelings, the loss was necessary if she was to survive. This is the story of adoption: a story of painful choices made in the present, in order to secure a better future.

What I found most interesting is that there were very few distinctively Catholic resources to add to the list, although there were some with a broadly Christian perspective. Apart from a book in the works by Dr. Ray Guarendi that is scheduled to come out (with OSV, I believe) in 2009, I found only one other book – at Pauline Books and Media – on adoption. Unfortunately, it had recently gone out of print. (Guess I really do need to write my own!)

For general resources, one site I found particularly valuable is “Tapestry Books”. This site offers an extensive selection for all kind of adoptive families, including behavioral difficulties that may surface after the adoption is complete.  Another great resource for moms of adoptive and foster children is the website for “Adoptive Families” magazine. Again, these resources are generally not written from a Catholic perspective.

In my list at “Mommy Monsters,” I’ve included a special section for foster kids. These kids have a unique set of genetic and environmental challenges to overcome; while their parents can and should avail themselves of regular parenting resources, they need a special “tool bag” with kid-friendly resources to help them (even temporarily) help their kids. Books such as the How Do Dinosaurs… series, by Jane Yolan, give foster parents and parents of special-needs kids an opportunity to introduce kids to important social concepts in an indirect, non-critical way.

Finally, I included several books for foster parents that may help them to better understand the world their children came from. Children whose parents had substance abuse issues may benefit from Beautiful Boy, by David Scheff. Parents of children with a history of abuse or neglect may benefit from Silent Prisoner, the true story of a girl who emerged intact from countless cycles of abuse, neglect, and violence. For the same reason, stories such as A Child Named It can help parents better understand some of the challenges that face children who come out of the foster system.

For more information and a complete (for now) list of books, click here. I will update the list from time to time – if you come across a book that belongs on the list, please drop me a line.

Last but not least, this month at “EMN” I’m offering a free CD of Lorraine Hartsook’s “Bring This Child to Me” (a beautiful song about adoption) to the first fifty moms who send me a link to their site (displaying the EMN button) and physical address. If you would like to receive my newsletter and/or would like to help me promote this online resource for parents of extraordinary kids, please drop me a line today at heidi.hess.saxton@gmail.com. Thanks … and God bless you!

This mother, who had two biological children and who suffered from depression, dropped little Nicoli on his head, and he died of a skull fracture. Additional details may be found here.

When the Bow Breaks…

When I read this story, it breaks my heart. Little Nicoli deserved to grow up in a safe and loving home; so do his siblings. Clearly, this mother was struggling to maintain mental health when the two boys were placed with the family; it is tragic that (for whatever reason) she was not dissuaded from taking on more than she could handle.

In a sense, people are a bit like machines: If the demands consistently exceed system limitations, something is going to break down.

And something did.

Last week on Catholic Exchange, a woman commented that she had attempted to become licensed in the state of New Jersey as a foster mother, but was denied because she has a history of depression. Now, there are times when the symptoms of chronic depression can be managed, so the patient can lead a normal life. Shortly after we got our kids, I went on medication to help fight symptoms of depression – and in my case, as I came to terms with the root causes, the problem went away.

My depression was caused by a combination of heredity, stress and resentment. I was overwhelmed by the demands of parenting three traumatized children, and angry that I was not getting more help from those around me. Anxiety increased as we were kept in limbo for three years before the adoption was finalized. But in the end I had to release my anger, which was depleting my energy stores, and take better care of myself – and that included managing my own expectations.

Even mothers who are not clinically depressed sometimes feel overwhelmed with the challenges of parenting. This article offers practical advice on finding the release valve to cope with even the ordinary stressors of parenting.

Heeding the Signs of Chronic Depression

Should those who suffer from depression avoid becoming adoptive or foster parents? It depends a great deal on the individual. Not all depression is readily treated, and some suffer with depression all their lives. When one spouse has a history of depression, a couple is wise to seek help in discerning whether foster care or adoption is something God is asking them to do. Ideally, the decision process should include both the depressed patient’s doctor and pastor. While there are many children in need of homes, it is also true that our first responsibility needs to be our own “garden.”

When God creates us, He gives us certain gifts … and He entrusts to us certain burdens, which are intended to stretch us and strengthen us, making us fit for heaven. If we take up someone else’s burden, a burden God never intended us to bear, we may break. In my case, God had wanted me to take care of those children – but He never intended me to carry around the anger and anxiety. Only when I offered those back to him, as best as I was able to, did the burden lift.

If your determination to become a parent causes you to run ahead of God, and take on burdens that were not intended for you, you may also find yourself struggling. At such times, we may find help in the words of the old hymn…

What a friend we have in Jesus

All our sins and griefs to bear

What a privilege to carry

Everything to God in prayer!

Oh, what peace we often forfeit

Oh, what needless pain we bear.

All because we do not carry

Everything to God in prayer.

Today, please pray with me for Kimberly Emelyantsev and her family, and for the repose of the soul of little Nicoli. May his parents find peace, and may their children always know the loving security of a real family.