In the married vocation, we have a call to love in a unique and special way. Marriage is meant for “unveiling,” and it is right and just to reveal oneself to those whom one loves and trusts, particularly our spouses. We must build a foundation of trust and intimacy that leads us to desire this revelation. This is mutual self-donation, and is the ideal of married life. Love cannot be blind: it must be based on a deeper knowledge and clearer vision than others might see. Only those who love see, and those who see most clearly love most deeply.

Self-donation began with and is rooted in Christ, in God’s gift of himself through sacrifice. “In earlier times God met his people in a covenant of love and fidelity. So now the Savior of mankind…meets Christian husbands and wives in the sacrament of matrimony. Further, he remains with them in order that, as he loved the Church and gave himself up for her, so husband and wife may, in mutual self-giving, love each other with perpetual fidelity. True married love is caught up into God’s love; it is guided and enriched by the redeeming power of Christ and the saving action of the Church…” (Gaudium et Spes, n. 48).

Mutual self-donation exists when husband and wife seek to share one’s life with the other, the identification with one another that this involves, and the sacrifices it entails. Love is sacrifice. Love involves the will, not simply the emotions. “The essence of love is sacrifice. Love that is not willing to pay a price is phony, hollow, an imposter to the throne,” says Fr John Corapi.

Part of the sacrifice required of such clarity is related to the fact that, in marriage, a husband and wife will be together even when they are not at their best. Surely, some disillusionment is possible with this level of intimacy, but this must be counter-balanced by a deepening of love and spiritual life, as well as patience.

Pope John Paul II states, “We love the person complete with his or her virtues and faults and up to a point independently of those virtues and in spite of those faults.” See your spouse’s virtue, and love him for it. See his faults, and love him all the more.

To foster mutual self-donation, married couples must also foster both companionate and romantic love, to be one another’s best friend and greatest lover. This requires spending time with one another as the exclusive theme of interest. Take time to look at one another, into one another’s eyes and souls, and dwell exclusively in one another’s presence. “Superficiality does not fair well for love!” (Alice von Hildebrand). Only in the soul’s depths can serious encounters and unveilings take place. These encounters should not be limited to the sexual sphere. Although necessary, beautiful, and wonderful, this must not be the only common meeting together as persons. Speaking of our day, voicing fears, discussing future plans, praying as a couple, reading meaningful or spiritual books together, sharing mutual interests and activities, and simply taking time to be completely present to one another without distractions are some ways to encourage continued growth as “one flesh.”

In our modern world, with its many demands and distractions, this mutual self-donation is frequently difficult to cultivate. It is often easier to accept the status quo. However, in the sphere of love, we must not concern ourselves with what is easier; but rather, with what is more beautiful! And there is nothing more beautiful than a love based on reality, self-donation, and sealed by the marriage covenant. “By [the husband and wife’s] intimate union of persons and of actions they give mutual help and service o each other, experience the meaning of their unity, and gain an ever deeper understanding of it day by day” (Gaudium et Spes, n. 48).

(This article is based on excerpts from von Hildebrand, A. (1989). By Love Refined: Letters to a Young Bride. Manchester, NH: Sophia Institute Press.)

Copyright 2009 Ericka Soileau