I never wanted to end up a divorced mother, raising children in a single-parent home. I remember how important it was for me, my family and my faith, to hang on to whatever shred of semblance of a marriage. I sought counseling and spoke to my parish priests; I cajoled and yes, even begged my husband. I fought the good “’til death do us part” fight, but in the end, I didn’t win it.

Years later, I see how it was all part of God’s plan and even though this was the right path to take, it was still the one less traveled -  full of hindering potholes and always re-routing us with unexpected detours. As any parent knows, the load is not a light one. But try lifting it with just one set of hands.

However, God is good and my children are happy and well-adjusted. By their own scruples, they have become wise to the reasons why my continuing in marriage to their father, would have meant traveling down a despondent road for all of us. Yet, from some innate goodness, they love and respect both their parents. Their needs are my priority and each day, they are met; physically, emotionally and spiritually.

While I praise God with each and every passing day that we are safe, healthy, sheltered and fed, I admit, there are quiet moments when the loneliness creeps in and I crave a slice of life, outside ‘mom-mode.’  For the past few years, when I get into these ‘craving’ periods, I experiment with the little time I am allotted for a social life.

I get determined to stay socially active, even when I’m too tired; I make a point of accepting invitations to events I’d rather skip and, I allow myself to entertain the idea of dating…again.

Dating, for a Catholic, single-mother in the secular world, I have discovered, is like trying Jamaican hot jerk chicken for the first time…every time you try it! Humor me if you will… The hot sauce can be overpowering and burn so hot, you lose the flavor of the chicken, along with most of your living taste buds. You can say you tried it but, it’s not likely something you’ll order again, anytime soon. (This will not apply to those of you who can eat Habanero peppers with glee.) However, as time passes and the insides of your mouth and esophagus heal, you forget that horrible burning sensation and might one day, agree to give it another go.

So, yes, I say dating, again because dating men can be quite similar to eating jerk chicken. A first attempt (or what may seem like endless firsts) can leave you so blown over by the bad encounter that you don’t ever want to experience it again.

At least not until you’ve put out of your mind that the last nice man you accepted an invitation to dinner with, neglected to tell you he wasn’t quite divorced yet; that he and his wife were in the process of ‘working out the details’, and then because he had forgotten his wallet, asked if you could lend him some cash until next time. Next time?

After the initial reaction of disbelief and burn of disappointment – where you start writing several unfinished letters to the Holy Father about how becoming a nun with children could really work for you and that you’ve convinced yourself (and only yourself), how happy you are that you’ve sworn to never date again – time soothes your memory sensors, cravings set in and, before you know it, you’re ordering jerk chicken…again.

I find the more I go through these periods of curiosity and seek out life on the other side of my Catholic, single-mom fence; I increase my insight into what is truly important to me. From each of my many frustrating, comical, joyful dating disasters and escapades, I go through a necessities-of-life realignment.

There is no such thing as life outside of ‘mom-mode’ because I’m really in a constant state of life in ‘God-mode’ and it’s with His grace that I make it through every day.

As I grow in confidence that God will guide me to what I need, I feel His strength of presence more and more through every new yearning period and they become easier to get through. Slowly, I am learning to not seek so much as to accept my life as it is now and for whatever He has planned for me in the future. God is good!

Now, just so you know, I happen to love Jamaican jerk chicken…in its mildest form.

Psalm 37:4 says, ‘Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.’

Copyright June 2009 Manuela Giannotti